A good friend’s 6-year old son recently asked his father while looking at a Bowflex ad together, “Dad, why don’t you look like that man?”  My friend smiled at his beautiful son after giving a few seconds of thought to the innocently truthful question and responded, “because I don’t pay attention to my health the way that man does”.

Does my friend have the potential to have a world-class Bowflex body?  Yes.  He just hadn’t made this a priority in his life over the last several years.  In his words, “I’ve settled comfortably into middle class mediocrity”.

We can focus on sports, music, health or anything else and get results. We display our values day-in and day out by how we spend our time.

How much time do you spend on a daily basis investing in yourself? Not work, not your hobbies, not with social media, not your children – on your mind?  on your spirit? on your body?

Have you allowed yourself to settle into mediocrity of self as you’ve devoted time to activities that reduce sense of self instead of increasing sense of self?

It seems that many of us spend a disproportionate amount of time focusing our thought, effort and attention on work (money).  When gainfully employed and making financial ends meet, we tend to justify the imbalance in our lives with the fact that we’re being good providers for ourselves and our families. Because we’re so busy with work and the rest of the activities that monopolize our time every day, we subconsciously block out the aches, pains and feelings in our bodies that are signals of the neglect in the other areas of our lives.

Are you willing to slow down long enough to listen?

A lot of the people who’ve been friends of mine for decades have recently found themselves among the unemployed. They’ve gone from not having any time to devote to themselves mentally, spiritually and physically to having way too much time on their hands after the lay-off.   Many of them are experiencing a tremendous feeling of emptiness and loneliness with the void created without work.

Several of them are questioning their own value now that they can no longer identify themselves with their profession.  Too many people associate their worth with their job or with another person.  When the job ends or a person is no longer involved in their life, the sense of worth evaporates.

You were born without a job and without a significant other and you were considered quite valuable at birth. Your value as a human does not fluctuate like the stock market or like a currency. Your value does not increase or decrease with age.

You’re valuable all the time! I’ll bet that your most valuable asset is the one that gets the least amount of your time on a daily basis.

We’re spiritual beings that are temporarily living in human bodies with human minds. Although our internal value does not fluctuate, if we ignore, or deny our primary worth – our spirituality – we feel lost and ungrounded when we’re not doing. That’s probably why we spend so much time doing and little or no time just being.  We’re afraid of being silent. We’re afraid of what we might start thinking if our brains were not distracted with the incessant noise. What questions would we have to start answering if we gave ourselves time to think?

When we spend time just being – silent and still – we’re able to feel a sense of peace with ourselves and eventually with others.  When spending time on a daily basis in this silent, meditative mode, you may also feel or sense or  presence that seems to come from within.  There is tremendous wisdom inside each of us that only presents itself when we care enough to listen.

This Presence or Spirit manifests itself to us most often when we’re still and silent – in meditation, in nature, in prayer, in church.  This sound of the Spirit gets drowned out by the sound of the iPod, television, radio, trucks, computers, background music and all of the other loud sounds that distract us from ourselves and from the wisdom and Spirit within.

When you wake-up in the morning, how much time do you spend with yourself in silence before reaching for the television remote, your iPod or your cell phone?

Prior to going to sleep at night, how much time to you spend in silence, in gratitude, in communion with self?

Would you benefit from centering yourself and your thoughts in meditation and prayer? What would it be like to deliberately fill your mind and soul with positive thoughts, words and prayers for yourself and others before allowing the very negative outside world to infect your mind? Would you sleep better at night if you spent time in prayer, gratitude or meditation prior to falling asleep?

The silence of your mind and soul is where you are guaranteed to fill yourself with the positive energy to sustain yourself for a period of time so that you’ll be able to deal with the negative energy that begins bombarding you once the television, radio, Blackberry or computer is turned on.

The sense of worth that comes from being in touch with our Spirit within is the cornerstone of our worth.

Why would we even consider spending time acknowledging our spirituality – especially if our lives appear to be going well?

• Our Spirit is the source of our worth.
• It is our connection to our Source, our Creator.
• It is our connection to every other human in the world.
• It is the only piece of our being that is permanent. The mind will die. The body will die.
• Once we acknowledge, accept and embrace this connection, our feelings of isolation  from others and competition with others go away. The isolation is replaced with a sense of belonging with others.
• Spirituality is our source of faith, hope and love.

What would you and I do if we wanted to be a world-class Spirit- one with God and one with other humans – with a never ending supply of faith, hope, love and joy?  That potential is already inside every one of us just waiting to be released like a genie from the bottle.

We’d do the same things that the world-class athletes, musicians and superstars from every field of work do.  We’d allocate time to the things that we consider most important. We’d make our spirituality a priority. We’d read books to understand how others have manifested their world-class spirits. We’d seek out teachers, coaches and mentors to assist us in the process.

Attaching your worth to something that is the most valuable and that never depreciates in value is the guarantee that you’re investing your time wisely – regardless of how much or how little time you invest on a daily basis.

• Companies and jobs will come and go.
• Sporting teams win sometimes and lose much more often.
• Investments appreciate sometimes and depreciate quite frequently.
• Cars, homes, jewelry and other material goods decay and usually decline in value.
• We earn money. We spend money.  It doesn’t matter how much we earn, there is still something missing.
• Video games are a fun distraction. What are they distracting us from?

Associating our sense of value with anything that is outside of us is a recipe for disappointment.

When your sense of worth goes up because of the high value that you place on your spiritual health, your connection to other humans and your connection to God, you also find yourself speaking to yourself and others much more kindly.  Love starts pouring out of your body – even when you’re not speaking. It’s evident in the sparkling of your eyes and your tranquil body language.

You’ll also start taking better care of your physical body because you know that it truly is the temple where your Spirit has chosen to live.

Our minds, bodies and spirits are all connected.  When the Spirit is acknowledged and appreciated, we immediately start valuing our minds and bodies and treat them as miraculous gifts too.

Can you envision buying a beautiful new car and having it delivered to your home?  It’s clean on the outside and freshly waxed. The inside was just detailed. The car just received the proper amount of high quality oil.  The windshield washer fluid receptacle is full. You turn the key in the ignition but, nothing happens.  Not only is there no gas in the car but, you’re unaware that the source of energy for your car even exists.  You’re confused as to why you continue to turn the key and the car won’t move.

Something must be missing.

Your detailed body is beautiful but, somehow feels empty.

You drink 8 bottles of expensive bottled water every day but, still feel unquenched.

The organic food that you eat is healthy but, something inside still craves more.

You’re earning lots of money but, never seem to have enough.

Something must be missing.

When we’re running our lives on spiritual empty, we’re trying to live and move at 65MPH with our energy tank on E.

You have time to do many things well. You have time to invest in yourself mentally, spiritually and physically AND succeed in the other roles in your life.  Might you have to cut-back on other activities which you deem to be less important in order to nourish yourself?  Yes.

You are a priority.

It’s very easy to love others and be accepting of others when our spiritual tanks are full.

Fill your  spiritual tank on a daily basis and enjoy the feelings of worth, joy and unity that come from within.

On Facebook last week, a friend wrote about his thankfulness for the electricity that just returned to his home after a snow and ice storm.  He didn’t appreciate the electricity all that much until he was without it for 5 days.

Another friend who exercises every day is finally back exercising after being sidelined on crutches with a bad back since October.  Only after this event does she now appreciate her ability to drive and to bend over and lace her sneakers. She had lost the freedom to be able to get in the car and go where she wanted, when she wanted.

I recently got a small glimpse into the freedom that I take for granted each and every day when I lost it for a day and half.

A few weeks back was my turn to serve the Commonwealth of Massachusetts by showing up for jury duty at 8:30AM about 30 miles (60 minutes) from my home.  In order to get in my daily morning routine of prayer, scripture, meditation, affirmations, breakfast and exercise and still arrive on time, it meant an even earlier wake-up call than normal.

As I happily approached the front door of the courthouse, I read the sign on the door that said NO FOOD OR DRINK and wondered how I’d maintain my healthy eating habit of consuming a small meal every three hours if I were chosen for a jury. With a sense of excitement and adventure at the break of my usual work routine, I opened the door and saw three courthouse workers sitting around a metal detector. I gave them a gregarious good morning and heard nothing in response but the sound of silence (think crickets).  I couldn’t imagine that three humans in an empty room would not respond to a warm greeting on a dark and rainy morning so, I gave them a second and significantly louder good morning. This time I received a grunt from one of them.  At that point, I knew that I was not in Kansas anymore.

I don’t think that they’re used to seeing any happy humans enter that building.  Most of the jurors are not happy to be there, the lawyers seem stressed, unhappy and rushed, those on trial are nervous and distracted and the courthouse workers seem to be just going through the paces. I can almost hear the self-talk going on in the minds of the courthouse workers (think eeyore), Nothing ever changes much here- miserable people, same hours, same building, same rules, same laws, same uniform. The entire culture within the system is comprised of lots of do’s and don’ts, gloom and doom.

After a few minutes of waiting in the lobby next to the metal detector, I was told to go down the hall and wait in the second waiting area for jury members.  I was given a number (4) – like a convict – and told to be seated and wait for further instructions.

Where was the Marriott concierge lounge attendant greeting me with, Good morning, Mr. Gregoire, and offering to get me a coffee and my choice of USA Today or the Wall Street Journal?

If I really was at the Marriott, it must’ve been their newest, really low-end brand – The Jailhouse Marriott – The hotel designed by prisoners, for prisoners. This place that I found myself lock-ed in by law had no manners, no coffee, no food, no drink and lots of rules! What’s with all the rules?  Why can’t I drink in the juror’s waiting area? I was even willing to use a sippy-cup if they’d give me one.  I was thirsty!

I found out from the unbelievably polite and considerate judge (a glimpse of light and hope within the darkness) why there wasn’t any coffee for the jurors.  They had purchased a coffee machine and had neglected to send it out to bid so, they were forced to remove the coffee machine from the courthouse. I’ve since notified Carolyn (my wife) that henceforth, each item that is purchased within the Gregoire household must be sent out to bid. We need more rules, paperwork and bureaucracy within our home too!

Because I was lost in Bob Kull’s fantastic book – Solitude – preparing for my interview on Friday, I was pretty happy to sit at the table with the other prisoners (I mean jurors) and finish reading the book.  The next thing I knew, my silence was broken as the court officer (names omitted to protect the guilty) said, “you can’t be chewing that gum in here”!  After the initial shock of his question, I looked over my right shoulder toward him and said with a big smile on my face, you’re kidding, right? He said, “No, I’m not kidding. We have rules here!” I guess the Diet Coke that the woman next to me was consuming was allowed because of an amendment to one of their laws.

In order to put things into perspective, I’ve worked for myself since  March of 1999 – I have a great boss who imposes very few rules upon himself or others! I work when I choose to work and I stop working when I choose.  I am blessed to have enough food at home that I eat and drink whatever I choose, whenever I choose.  When I travel – which is quite often – I’m fortunate to stay at Marriott properties most of the time and am treated with dignity and respect by their well-trained staff. This is the reality in which I live my ideal life.

Life and freedom are about choice.  We get to choose every word, every thought, every gesture and every action. It’s all an act of creation. This freedom allows us to create the ideal lives and the ideal world.  Constructive cultures are found within families, companies and countries whereby people have the ability to choose (think for themselves).  That type of culture assumes that people are smart, accountable and know what’s right and what’s wrong.  It assumes that people do NOT need to be told what and how to do things. This type of environment results in creativity and productivity because people are NOT being told what to do.

On 2/24/10 at approximately 8:10AM, I gained an even stronger appreciation for each and every freedom that I enjoy on a daily basis because for that entire day and the next morning, I was not free. It was not just because of the way that I noticed the court officers treating me and the other jurors, it was the entire judicial system that made me Thank God for my freedom and pray that my wife, children and I would never be on trial in a court of law.

I was chosen for a trial whereby a man was charged by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts with assault and battery and obstruction of justice.  In this case, the lawyers that are paid to represent the best interests of their clients proceed to ask detailed questions of the witnesses, defendant and plaintiff of an event that took place exactly 12 months ago.  I am not kidding you when I tell you that  I don’t remember the subject of a blog that I wrote 2 days ago. If you remind me of the topic, I will remember it but, the detail of what I wrote on any given day is unimportant (to me).

Because of my vocation and the education that I’ve received from some of the best minds in the world in the fields of psychology and spirituality, I understand the importance of living in the present and thinking about an even more ideal future.  I spend very little time in the past. The judicial system is all about the exact detail(s) of what happened in the past.

One of the secrets of life is to live in the present and enjoy being where you are at each and every instant.  You have the freedom to live this gift today. Are you?

I recently asked you to appreciate this thing called life.  Today, we remind ourselves to cherish the wonderful gift of freedom.  Freedom to what?

• Freedom to think and to focus on positive thoughts about yourself and others.
• Freedom to work wherever you choose doing whatever you want to do.
• Freedom to spend every minute of every day exactly how you choose.
• Freedom to speak to others and say exactly what you’ve been wanting to say, but afraid to do so.
• Freedom to eat whatever you want, whenever you want.
• Freedom to set goals for the ideal life that you envision.
• Freedom to know that today and each and every day is an opportunity to start over. Life is full of 2nd chances.
• Freedom to chew gum anywhere (except a courthouse).

What are you free to do that you’re currently not doing?  Why?

As far as I can tell, there are only two types of prisons.  One type is the one we end-up in if we’ve been convicted a breaking one of societies many laws.  I can’t encourage you enough to do everything possible to avoid ending up in that type of prison.

The second type of prison is the self-imposed type that we place ourselves in with our self-limiting thoughts. I can’t get another or new job.  I’ll never have a good relationship with my family. I’m in a lousy marriage.  I can’t be myself around people because, if I’m just myself, people won’t like me. I don’t have the time to get a degree.  My schedule won’t allow me the time to exercise.

Many of us keep ourselves in self-created prisons with our thoughts.  Fortunately, you can break-out of your prison today or any day you choose and no one is going to come after you.  Once you recognize that you’re the judge, jury and warden of your own prison, you get to free yourself whenever you choose.

There are no guards keeping you in.

There are no dogs ready to chase you.

There is no barbed wire preventing you from leaving your imaginary walls.

Listen to your inner-wisdom.  You have the power to release yourself from the self-imposed rules and laws that you’ve been allowing yourself to use to regulate  – and limit- your life.

It’s time to break-out! You are free to move-on.

Earlier this week, I read an article on USA Today.com titled, Supreme Court declines new 10 commandments fight. It mentioned: the justices on Monday left in place a lower court decision that a Ten Commandments marker in Haskell County, Okla., must go.

Am I a little bit torn when reading the news?  Yes.  But, that’s my opinion as a life-long practicing Judeo-Christian.  Would I be offended if there were commandments or principles from other faiths?  No, I would not.

I’m fascinated by the beliefs of individuals whose faith is as strong – or stronger – in their religion as I am in mine. I’m always thinking to myself, I wonder what I’m missing? It’s become a part of my mission to know, understand, respect and very frequently incorporate concepts from other faiths that complement or strengthen my Christianity.

Although these markers and symbols are nice, we do not need them to live the principles without any excuses each and every day.

In my very humble opinion, having symbols of faith – 10 commandments markers, Stars of David, Christmas Trees, candles in windows, Menorahs, etc. – are visible signs of reverence or consideration for God.  When I see the Star of David, I immediately think of God.  When I see a crucifix, I think of God.  In that sense, each of these symbols is a reminder for me to incorporate God into each of my thoughts, words and actions on a minute-to-minute basis.

Do we need external symbols in order to make spirituality the central component of our lives?  No.

I think that too frequently, these religious symbols are much like corporate mission statements and value statements which hang upon the lobby walls at companies which no one is capable of repeating, much less practicing on a daily basis.

The 10 Commandments marker in Oklahoma is not about the marker. It’s a visual reminder to each of us of how to keep God central in our lives by following the principles given to Moses by God. As we’ve become much more religiously diverse in the United States and as certain groups have sought to ease God out of our public awareness, these longstanding and emotionally strong symbols are quickly being removed from public locations.

The objective of creating corporate mission and value statements is the hope and expectation that each person within the company walks, talks, and acts in accordance with these concepts.  If each person understands what they are and has assimilated the trait or principle into their subconscious mind then, the framed statements on the walls serve as visible reminders to employees and also point out to corporate guests exactly how they should expect to be treated by employees of this company.

It’s the same situation with the 10 Commandments, the Bible, The Torah, The Qur’an and every religious book or symbol.  The books and symbols are useless if the values and concepts are not lived and observed on a daily basis.  An unused Bible on the bookshelf is just as useless as the unused treadmill in the corner.  Each must be utilized frequently if we expect to gain any of the spiritual or physical benefits.

I do not Trust in God because In God We Trust is printed on the back of the one-dollar bills in my wallet.  I am oblivious to those words along with which president and any other symbols which may be on that bill or any other bill. I trust in God because of a seed planted in my brain about 43 years ago by my parents that was nourished during prayer prior to every meal at home and by attendance and participation at church 52+ times per year.

I learned very young that God was very important in the lives of my parents and my grandparents. Because my parents had always given me solid information in every other area of my life, I considered this knowledge to be very valuable too.

Faith is about the relationship that exists between you and God. It’s a feeling of effortless perfection that results from time in solitude communicating with your best friend. When this relationship is solid and the communication is flowing both ways, the result is a human with a sense of purpose and direction who possesses an unlimited supply of faith, hope and love. That endless supply of faith, hope and love gets replenished on a daily basis by staying connected to the Creator. The love that we receive is shared with God and with every person with whom we come in contact on a daily basis.

You know when you have the words of a song, or poem or jingle permanently imprinted in your mind?  Those words have become part of your second nature and were imprinted because of reading or hearing the words over and over and over. They’re a part of you. We can intentionally make the 10 commandments, the Gospels, the teachings of Buddha or any spiritual information permanently part of our second nature by repeating the words in our minds that we choose to live our lives. In order for it to become second nature, repetition is required.

The words imprinted in your mind and soul that you use to love God and each other can never be taken away from you by the Supreme Court or by any lower court. These words have come to us from a higher kingdom.  This kingdom is in your midst. Your mind, body and soul contain the emotions of the permanent markers that you use to love and serve every second of the day.

Within the world of Christianity, there is a song that has been indelibly imprinted in my mind for several decades.  Part of the chorus goes, And they’ll know that we are Christians by our Love, by our Love, yes they’ll know that we are Christians by our love.

Not by our 10 Commandments markers.

Not by our clothing.

Not by our religious jewelry.

Not by carrying a Bible around in our arms.

Not by our Christmas Trees in the front windows or wreaths on our front doors.

We’re called to BE and live the word of God.  We get to show it every minute of the day by how we love each other.

Do others see your faith in your words, in your actions and in the love that you show to others?

What’s so great about life?  Have you taken the time to answer that question lately?  Maybe we should take the time today to remind ourselves just how precious this (once-in-a-lifetime) gift is.

One of my 20-year old son’s high school classmates committed suicide last Wednesday.

There have been several suicides and murder-suicides in Massachusetts over the last couple of months so, I’ve become very sensitive to this topic. We know that we have problems as a society when life is so intolerable that we choose to end it ourselves. When there is disease in one of us, there is disease in all of us.

After considerable deliberation, I chose this topic today with the hope that we can be of assistance today and forever in noticing the signs of despair in ourselves and others before the problems seem insurmountable.

Each of the major problems in our life starts out small and treatable.  Most major debt started out small and manageable. Almost every bad marriage began with a happy, smiling wedding day. Excess, unhealthy fat was put on our bodies one pound at a time. It’s the accumulation of the untreated small problems on a daily basis that seem to overwhelm us at some point.

When you notice a look on someone’s face that tells you that something is just not right, it may be the kind word or touch from you that restores their confidence in themselves and in humanity.  Humans can be remarkably fragile.  Although most of us face the world on a daily basis with strong exteriors designed to prove how strong and tough we are, I’ve learned that most of the time these exterior facades are the thickness of a tissue and can be torn quite easily at any time.

When our foundations are weak, the best of us can fall at any time.  That’s why we’re frequently surprised when someone commits an act of violence upon themselves or others.  We were unaware of how unstable they really were beneath the Kleenex-thin exterior which seemed to say I’m okay.

My only qualification to write about this topic is as a fellow human. I am not a doctor, therapist or member of the clergy.  I understand the pain that I’ve experienced so far in this world but, can’t come close to understanding the pain that others have felt and are feeling today.  Pain, like pleasure, is a unique experience.

My present understanding is that each of us was born as an innocent and integrated being – soul, mind and body.  Each of us is a gift to the world that is waiting to be nourished and developed – by others when we’re young and by ourselves (and hopefully others) once we mature.  Because we’ve been born into very different families within drastically diverse family and social cultures – some positive and constructive, others more negative and destructive – some of us are nourished and cherished while others are not treated with the dignity and respect that each person deserves.  Many of us are beaten down mentally and spiritually by the people we look up to the most.

Is it fair that some of us are loved, respected and given educational benefits that others don’t receive?  I don’t think so but,  I’m not the designer of this master plan. I do however have tremendous faith in the Creator of the plan. So, although I do not understand everything, I know with every cell of my being that there is always hope – for everyone.

I also know that those of us who have received tremendous gifts and backgrounds are called to love and nurture others who are hurting. There are lots of people who need our love and support because they’re not getting it at home – or anywhere else. Sometimes the pain that we’re feeling is physical, sometimes it’s in our minds and at other times it’s spiritual.  Usually, when one area of our being is hurting, the other two hurt at the same time.  Our minds, bodies and souls are seamlessly integrated whether we’re aware of it or not.

A strong being – mentally strong, physically strong and spiritually strong – provides a solid foundation which supports us as we deal with the trials of every day life.  When the  foundation is strong, the pain that comes our way on a daily basis is put into proper perspective as just an insignificant blip on the radar of life. Our hearts, minds and souls tell us that this too shall pass.  When we believe that this trial or problem will pass – it does.  When we believe that it will stay with us forever – it does.  Our beliefs are very strong so, pay attention to the beliefs that you’re using to rule your life.

It’s easy for us to see when a physical wound becomes infected, it’s red and swollen and very sensitive to touch. It’s not quite as easy to see infections of the mind and soul in ourselves.  When we’re healthy-mentally, spiritually and physically, it becomes pretty easy to spot the infections in ourself and in others.

Symptoms of infections in the mind and soul (expressed with words or self-talk):

What’s the use, it won’t work anyway.

• A possible signal of lack of belief in self.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough for him (her).

• A possible signal that the person is trying to please others to feel good about self.

I can’t.  It won’t work. There’s no way I can do that.

• A possible signal of a lack of efficacy. A lack of belief in the ability to cause the change that is possible and that one desires.

Nobody cares about me.

• A signal that the person may be looking for love from others rather than seeking God’s love and an internal sense of self worth.

Because so many of us are struggling on a daily basis trying to keep ourselves and our families going (frequently financially), we can’t completely depend upon others to assist us with any of our infections. It is our responsibility to maintain our healthy soul, mind and body each and every day.

Should we be investing less time in earning money and more time investing in ourselves and our families?

Am I willing to have less stuff in my life so that I can devote more time to my own well-being and to the well-being of others?

Intellectually, we know that the mechanical devices in our lives need some attention or they will eventually stop working.  My car and heating system are two examples of the machinery in my life that have to be maintained if I want 100% reliable transportation and moderate temperature in my house at all times.  The alarm system in our house blatantly starts yelling at us (usually in the middle of the night) when a motion or smoke detector needs attention.  I’ve noticed that my body, mind and soul also blatantly notifies me (usually in the middle of the night too!) when part of my being needs service.

We need to slow down long enough to be able to hear our mind and soul speaking to us.

When the house alarm needs servicing, I’ll do what I’m capable of doing by myself (change the batteries) and then call-in a professional.  I take care of this immediately for a very good reason – the alarm keeps beeping at me until I fix the problem.  I think that our minds and souls do the same thing but, much more subtly.

When our minds and souls are beckoning us like a smoke detector’s beeping, what do we do?  Do we deal with the problem or do we drown out that noise with something louder than the internal beeping that is trying to  tell us that we need service?  I’m becoming very aware that many of us will stay tremendously busy with anything – work, television, radio, smart phone, hobbies – so that the noise of the busyness is louder than our internal cry for help.  We intentionally distract ourselves so that we don’t have to pay attention to the real problem.  By engaging in mindless activities that distract us from the real issue, we avoid becoming mindful.

Those of us who’ve been to any type of counseling know that the patient is always the person who comes up with the fix to the issue.  The counselor’s role is to ask enough questions of us so that we can self-diagnose, determine the real (root) problem and begin the process of fixing the problem (frequently with the assistance of an expert).  We never argue with our own diagnosis but, usually argue with the diagnosis of family and friends.

Please become acutely aware of signs of negativity and despair within yourself and in the people around you.  It’s usually pretty easy to deal with an issue or two when they’re small (think cavities).  When we ignore the mental and spiritual decay for too long, the problem becomes more challenging – but, never impossible – to fix (think root canal).

Over the last five weeks, great authors from drastically different walks of life – monk, therapist, psychiatrist, counselor, radio show host -have come on the Gregoire Today radio show and each has talked about the value of spending quiet time on a daily basis. This silent time (sometimes referred to as meditation) allows us the time to listen to ourselves and to listen to God (this is a by-product of the quiet time whether we’re seeking Spirit or not). It’s a time when we get to intentionally align our mind with our soul.  It’s a time to listen  to ourselves because we know when we’re off-track of how we’re supposed to be living life. It’s a precious time to ask questions of our Creator and listen to the answers when the noise of life is not drowning out the responses.

You and I can deal with any problem or problems when they’re small and when our foundations are strong.  It’s when we ignore the problems that they become overwhelming and unmanageable.

Seeking assistance from professionals is a sign of strength – not weakness.

Nothing is impossible for God.  Ask and it will be given.  Seek and you will find.  Knock and the door will be opened. Repeat these words and you’ll begin believing them.

Will you begin the practice of 10 minutes per day of solitude to invest in  your mind and soul?

Will you start the practice of speaking kindly to yourself and to others so that we’re habitually building each other up instead of tearing each other apart?

Will you commit to maintaining a healthy mind, soul and body for yourself because you cherish the gift of your life and are committed to a strong foundation?

Will you answer for yourself the question of What’s so great about life?

I think when you take time to answer this question, you’ll be filled with a tremendous sense of gratitude.

You are loved.

Family Time  | Social Time  | Physical Health Time

Work Time  | Education Time  | Community Service Time

Spiritual Time

We allocate time on a daily basis to the people and activities which we value the most.  Time management is a function of our values. Whether we realize it or not, we display our values each and every minute of the day by how we spend out time. Since that’s the case, this is a great time to begin allocating your time intentionally.

How would you rate how well your life is balanced?  If you were to create a bar graph in a spreadsheet that showed how well you’re doing based upon your potential in every area of your life, would the height of each of the bars be equal or are you doing significantly better in some areas of your life than in others?

If you said that you’re doing much better in some areas than others, you’d me among the vast majority of people. Why is that?

According to estimates, most people  – approximately 97% – do not have goals.  Without goals, we’re taking life my chance and not intentionally creating the ideal life.  Once you’ve decided what your goals are in every area of your life in which you’d like to improve, you can then prioritize them according to your values – most important to least important.

A next logical step would be to create and allocate specific times on your calendar on a daily basis for the people and activities that you value most.

During what time of the day will I exercise tomorrow?  For how long?

When will I be able to call or visit my Mom?

Will I be able to be with my family for at least one family meal? Breakfast?  Dinner?

When will I have silent time for meditation or prayer or yoga?

When will I begin work and commit to leaving work?

There are certain things that you and I allocate time for EVERY day – meals, bathing, etc.  Some people allocate specific time for watching the news, reading the newspaper and other activities.  Would you like to add specific time every day to invest in yourself, your family, your community?

By following the exact same process that we use for meals and bathing, we can deliberately allocate time every day for the things that we value but, are currently not doing.

When we increase our expectations of what we’re able to accomplish on a daily basis because of our new priorities, we end up accomplishing what we value most and become more productive with our time.  DId you ever notice that on the days where you have a lot to accomplish, you accomplish a lot?  We have that same potential every day. When we intend to accomplish a lot, we end-up wasting very little time.

Habits and routines are good things when they’re good habits and good routines. Setting new goals and priorities causes us to modify our existing routines and habits to make room for our new valuable habits.

Some of us are morning people and others are night owls.  There is no right time of day to accomplish what your heart desires. The key is to be deliberate about routinely blocking time on your calendar for the activities that you value the most.  When that activity reminder pops us on your calendar, it’s time to switch gears.

Sometimes a calendar pop-up triggers the transition from one part of our life to the next.

Sometimes it’s a venue change – from work to home.

Sometimes it’s a change of clothing that triggers that it’s time to enter another segment of my life which I value.

By compartmentalizing your life into activities that are of most importance to you, you’re also saying no to activities that are of lesser or no value. When you’ve committed time on your calendar to yourself or to another person that you value, it makes it easy to say no to the extra demands from others.

Are any of you old enough to remember the old children’s television show Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood?  I watched that show on a daily basis as a young boy.  Mr. Rogers used a sweater (zippered cardigan) to signal when it was time to leave his land of make believe and go back to the reality of his every day life.  When in the land of make believe, he always had on his cardigan. When he left, the cardigan would go into the closet and he’d transition into another jacket which signaled to him that this compartment of his day had ended and it is now time to enter another segment of the day.

You and I can accomplish the same thing with clothing, calendars and/or deliberate venue changes.

I’m a morning person. As soon as I awaken in the morning, I take off my pajamas and immediately put-on exercise clothing.  That initial  clothing change signifies that the body rest time of day has ended and it’s now time to invest in my personal health (no excuses) time of day.  While in my workout clothing, I meditate, pray, read the bible, eat breakfast and recite affirmations from the solitude of my home (or hotel room when traveling).  After I finish with that routine, it’s off to the gym to exercise my body. I choose this time of day for these activities because I’m a morning person and because this is a no excuses time of day for me.  Most of the world has not interest in speaking or meeting with me during this Bob Time.  This is a sacred of time each day in which I invest in the health of my entire being.

Once I’m finished at the gym, I shower and put on clothing for work. Depending on the day, it will be either business attire to speak in front of a group or shorts or jeans if it’s a day to write or be on the radio.  Again, the change of clothing signifies that the mind/body/spirit time of my day has ended and it’s now time for the business portion of the day.

If I’m working around my home, my wife and I agree on what time we’ll be eating lunch and dinner together and who’s responsible for dinner preparation. Once the time and roles are agreed upon, I know exactly when my business day will end and when I’ll transition into time that is dedicated 100% to my wife (and children when they’re home).  Because lunch and dinner have to do with food, and because I’ve been known to occasionally spill food (only on good clothing, never on clothes that I don’t care about), my transition into lunch and dinner happen with one of my favorite aprons.  Yes, I said an apron.  Not just any apron either. One of my favorites is an apron that looks like a men’s black-tie and tuxedo. I’ve been wearing that apron since 1998 (I got it at a computer trade show many moons ago in New Orleans and there is a date at the bottom).  My family and friends know that I always wear an apron while in the kitchen and during meals. The apron is a sign of family, food, friends and entertaining. Our friends – Dreana and Greg – bought me a fire-engine red apron from Newport, RI last summer which reads, I may be crabby but, I’m cute! The aprons are a signal to me that I’ve finished work and am now focused on family and food.

If the evening does not require leaving the home, at some point after dinner in the early evening, I’ll transition into my best Hugh Hefner attire which signals that it’s time to relax with family, read the paper and transition into sleep time.

When we know what the ideal day should look like, it’s easy to intentionally create it. Using a calendar to block-off time, clothing-changes and venue changes are three ways of compartmentalizing your life so that one area of life does not encroach upon and steal time from any of the other important areas in which you choose to grow.

Why do we put people on pedestals during the Olympics?

Team USA's Evan Lysacek (Yuri Kadobnov/Getty Images)

Because they’ve placed in the top 3 positions in the world - within a particular event, within a particular sport. Tiger Woods was placed on a pedestal by many of us for the same reason – because he was the dominant player in the world – within a particular sport.

For Tiger, and the Olympians, that is the only reason that they’re on the pedestal: dominance within one event or one sport – they were not put there for any other reason.

They may have other very strong  traits or qualities in addition to their athletic ability but, we usually don’t know much more about the person except for their one, dominant skill. Each person that you and I have placed on a pedestal was put there because they were good at some THING.

What do we do to athletes, musicians, actors and politicians whom we’ve placed upon a pedestal when they show vulnerability in another aspect of their lives?  We crucify them!  We act as if we expect them to be perfect role models in every area of their lives – husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, role-models  – just because of their proficiency in one particular area.

How long would you and I last if we were one of those placed upon a pedestal by others?

Should we be placing people on pedestals above us in the first place?

Is it fair that we quickly push people off their pedestals and begin belittling them as soon as they reveal that they’re human and imperfect in other areas of their lives?

My name is Bob and I’m not perfect. Phew! I’m glad that I got that out of the way so that your expectations will be lower.  It’s so easy for me to say that because, despite my daily efforts, I understand that I fall short of what I’m capable of becoming. I’ve been given a tremendous amount of potential and I have NOT utilized all of it – yet.

Although I wouldn’t mind being put on a pedestal because of my relatively medium height (I’m short!), I don’t belong there.  If each of us were to be put  on the ideal pedestal, it would be one which automatically adjusted so  that each of us would be at identical heights. Can you picture each of us at exactly the same height looking eye-to-eye with Tiger, Gold Medal Olympians, musicians, politicians and other people whose internal value is exactly the same as yours and mine?

You see, although we have different jobs, incomes, faiths, languages and skills, we all have the same internal spiritual value.  We’re all part of the same universal spirit. Each person’s spirit is valued equally by the only One capable of putting a value on you.

We’re all part of the same universal spirit. We all came from the same creator.

We’re all being drawn and called toward our creator and spiritual perfection like a flower is drawn toward the sunlight.  We’re seeking the light. We’re seeking love. We’re seeking a feeling of unity and oneness.

My position in the world is not above you.  It’s not below you.  It’s beside you walking hand-in-hand.

The only person who can see you as less valuable than any other person in the world is YOU. It’s not our financial net worth that matters.  It’s not our intellectual net worth (IQ) that matters. It’s not our physical net worth that matters most either. The only thing that is lasting and permanent that we’ll take with us upon our departure from this earthly realm is our spiritual net worth.

How much time are you investing on a daily basis in your spiritual capital?

When we accept the idea that our spiritual value is the same as every other person’s, we begin looking at every person in the world as a peer – as a spiritual brother and sister.  Each of our brothers and sisters has received some sort of spiritual gift but, that gift does not make them any more valuable than any other person.  Your spiritual esteem allows you to see each person as one who complements you.  Our unique gifts and talents complement those of the people around us.

When joined together in one spirit, humanity becomes complete and whole. When we stop fighting each other, this will be the end result.

Why do we resist what we truly desire?

So, although we can recognize that each person has gifts and some people excel in a particular area, no one belongs on a pedestal above you. Each of us is allowed to be an imperfect human who is striving for perfection.  How do we accomplish this quest for spiritual perfection?

It becomes very easy for us to notice, recognize and acknowledge the spiritual beauty that’s in others once we realize it in ourselves. We develop and nourish our souls by feeding them with soul food – silence, meditation and prayer. We move toward perfection as we move into unity with our souls.  Moving toward unity with our soul is a deliberate move toward oneness with the God within.

Our souls need to be nourished, fed and nurtured much like our bodies and minds. The soul food which is digested on a daily basis, brings our bodies and minds into oneness with our souls and into oneness with our Creator. Once this occurs, we feel a very strong sense of connectedness to ourself, to God and to all other people.  We move from a state of competition into one of cooperation.  We move from states of envy and despair into ones of compassion, love and joy.

Although I exercise on a daily basis, I know that eventually my body is going to die. This is guaranteed.

Although I exercise my mind on a daily basis through recitation of affirmations and through learning, I know that my mind will eventually fade away or die with my physical body. This too is guaranteed.

I feed my soul on a daily basis because this is the piece of my being that is truly me. Our soul is the only part of our being that will be with us forever.  Because of this fact, this is where I spend a disproportionate amount of my time. I’m intentionally investing in that part of me that will never die – guaranteed.

When my soul is healthy, I feel good about myself, the world, and all of the people in the world. It is a feeling of joy and oneness with God and with all of humanity.

You and I became the recipients of Gold medals at birth – our souls.  We must become silent and go inside ourselves in order to find, retrieve and nurture this gift. Once this gift is acknowledged, you’ll notice the Gold medal worthiness inside of all people just waiting to be recognized.

Team Germany's Eric Frenzel (Javier Soriano/AFP/Getty Images)

Recognize the vibrant, living soul inside yourself first and then you’ll see it in others quite easily.

No one deserves to be on a pedestal above you and no one deserves to be in a position below you.

The goal is to be united in spirit with one another.

Our souls are longing to be acknowledged by us and united with God.  Once this occurs, we’ll then seek unity with all beings.

I was recently asked to be a guest on my childhood friend Rich Hancock’s radio show. During the interview, I was asked a seemingly simple question: Why do you read the Bible and study other faiths?

My seemingly simple answer: I don’t know what I don’t know!  But there’s so much more to it:

Although I’m reading at least one entire book every week, I can’t learn enough information fast enough to satisfy my lack of knowledge.  How do I explain this: am I simply thirsting for more information or hungry to learn what I haven’t yet in the first 48 years of my life?

Growing up as a Catholic in the northeast, I was never strongly encouraged to open a Bible at my Catholic grammar school or at home (or I didn’t pay attention to that wisdom).  We were taught by nuns and priests at school and we learned from listening to the scripture readings at church and from the priests’ homilies on weekends.

I thought that I was way ahead of the curve. Although I may have been, I was nowhere to being as close in my relationship with God as I could have been. I wasn’t close to being as good a person as I was capable of becoming.

Faith is relative |  Health is relative |  Wisdom is relative |  Kindness is relative

Reading the Bible allows me to understand the faith into which I was born in the context of history – from the Old Testament to the New Testament.  Whenever we’re truly trying to learn and change, repetition of key concepts and ideas allows the new trait or behavior to become deeply imprinted in our minds and being.  When we hear things in church or on the radio or television, we might say to ourselves, “that makes sense” but, do we imprint that information so that it becomes our second nature?

Most of the time (at least for me) the answer used to be no.  Many great ideas have slipped through my cranium because I didn’t write them down and repeat them so that they’d stick.

Whenever I am struck with a thought, quote or concept from scripture (or anywhere else) while reading, I immediately grab a 3 X 5 index card and write it down so that I can repeat the thought and assimilate it into how I think and act on a daily basis.  This process allows me to change and become the type of person being spoken about in scripture.

That is the whole idea behind religion.  It’s an organized way of teaching us how to live, think and behave in a God-like fashion.

I decided to increase my knowledge of other faiths because I realized that all of the major problems that we’re facing on our planet are the result of ignorance – lack of knowledge.  Many of the  problems that are going on in our world are because everyone is acting based upon the limited knowledge that he or she has and that knowledge is always incomplete. If all of my knowledge of God is related to Christianity, I am therefore ignorant as to how billions of loving, devoted people of other faiths have  come to know God.

Seek first to understand.  Then seek to be understood. Thanks, Mr. Covey!

I wanted to understand other faiths because it’s become very evident that there is a lot of fighting and killing going on today in the name of religion.

True knowledge of God will result in kindness, compassion and love – not in anger, hatred and killing.

The reason that so many people are so passionate about a particular faith is because it happens to be the one that they learned, studied and practiced since birth.  Because it’s the one that our parents or guardians gave to us, it must be the right one and therefore, everyone else of a different faith is completely wrong.

Is it possible to know God, love God, pray to God, listen to God and act in a God-like fashion incorrectly? I don’t think so.  I’ve come to believe that there are many ways in which we can deepen our knowledge of and relationship with God.  By studying other faiths, many things are happening to me:

• I am deepening my own relationship with God.
• I am solidifying my own faith.
• I am developing very strong respect and understanding of people from other faiths.
• I am developing very strong respect and understanding for people without faith.
• I am reinforcing the belief that there is only one Creator and that there are numerous ways in which we can come to know that Creator.
• I know that once we understand any differences that we have with another person – or group of people – that person is no longer a threat to us.

Fear is the absence of love

We’re threatened by the perceived differences which exist between us and others.  Any one who looks, dresses, worships, eats, speaks differently than we do is one of two things: This person is a threat to us and our way of life or this person is someone who has knowledge of things of which I’m ignorant and therefore is someone I can learn from.

Every person that you and I encounter has something that they can teach us (unless we’re know-it-alls!).  Each person is the way he or she is for very good reasons. Each of us is a product of our environment and education.

The more that I learn about people from every faith and from every culture and from every country is that we’re all the same.  We’re all beautiful sons and daughters of God whether we know it or not.  We’re all trying to make sense of today and this lifetime.  And if we’re very fortunate, trying to figure out the spiritual sides of our being which we’ll return to completely in the future.

We all want to love and be loved. We just show it in different ways – because we don’t know any better.

Seek to understand.  Once we do, we know that all people are good on the inside.  There may be layers of hatred, hurt and  anger which have grown on their exteriors which may cause them to be unpleasing at first glance. They’ve just grown those ugly layers to protect themselves from being hurt any more.

Inside each of us is the same loving soul that longs to unite with other humans and with God.

We’re complete and whole when we’re united with each other and with God. Until that happens, we’re all feeling incomplete.

My 16-year old daughter came home from school for the weekend and notified us that she’d forgotten her iPhone charger at school and that her phone had died.  She was forced to spend a half a day at work without her lifeline to the entire world.  She was lost.

Those of us who use technology of any kind know that if we do not charge the device, it dies completely.

That got me thinking about the parallel between technology and humans.  With smart phones and notebook computers, all we need to do is plug them into an outlet on a daily or periodic basis and the device will remain charged.  What’s the best way to charge humans?

For humans to be our best, we require three distinct sources of energy to run optimally – mental, physical and spiritual energy.  Ideally, we would recharge each of these areas on a daily basis. By remaining fully charged in each area, we’re guaranteed to operate efficiently for at least the next 24 hours.

What happens when we’re not properly charged? Instead of just shutting down completely like a phone, we begin breaking down in one or more of the three distinct areas.  For many people, we think that these negative feelings are normal.  They are normal feelings for humans who do not understand how to properly maintain themselves. They are not normal feelings when we care for our high-performance bodies like they were any of our prized possessions.

Physical break downs manifest with symptoms like excess weight, loss of muscle, physical weakness, high blood pressure and feelings of fatigue.   Mental break downs  show up in our negative self-talk, criticism of others, cynicism and destructive emotions.  Spiritual breakdowns manifest themselves when we’re lacking in faith, hope and love (of God, self and others).

People who cherish their cars wash the exteriors frequently (care for our bodies), detail the interiors at least weekly (care for our minds) and make sure that the engine is serviced regularly by an authorized dealer (care for our souls).

Why do many of us seem to care more for things than we do for our own well-being? I think that it’s just a lack of knowledge because we receive more education in school about language, math, history and science and very little about  how to care for our self.

On a daily basis, I see people investing time, energy and resources into their professions and into their families but, they neglect to spend enough time investing and charging themselves.  Neglecting our minds, bodies and souls on a daily basis is like heading out the door with a poorly charged cell phone.  We will only last for so long before we stop working.

Most of us know how long we need to plug in the computer or cell phone so that it is charged enough to service us for the day.  Do you know how long that it takes you to fully energize your soul?  your body? your mind?

Would it be unreasonable to allocate 1 hour in each 24 hour day to take care of yourself?  If you think that’s a large amount of time to invest in yourself, how much time do you spend working each day?  Would you consider yourself to be in peak physical, mental and spiritual condition?  Do you have any idea how you would perform every minute of your life for yourself, family and others if you were in peak condition in all three areas?

Technology comes with a manual that tells us how to care for the device.  Humans don’t come with a written manual so, we’re forced to figure out how to care for ourselves on our own.

Here is the short version of the Human Owner’s Manual:

Body: Congratulations on the choice of your earthly body.  The body that you’ve chosen has been designed to last for a minimum of 100 years with proper care. Below is the summary of how to maintain your body in peak condition.  Details can be found later on on the manual.

• Sleep for  6-8 hours each day
• Exercise for a minimum of 30 minutes each day to keep your body in prime condition.
• Eat 5-6 small meals every 3 hours so that you do not overeat from being too hungry

Mind:  Your mind was created as a receptacle to hold thoughts about yourself, others and about the beautiful world in which you live. Like a tape recorder it records literally every though that you have so PLEASE be very careful about how you speak to yourself.  You create your own self-identity with your thoughts.

• Spend 15 minutes (or longer) per day creating the thoughts that you wish to dominate your life.
• Convert all of the goals that you have into one-sentence, present tense affirmations and read them as if you’re sculpting the ideal being because you are.
• Try not to give sanction to the negativity in the world and please dispute the information that is coming your way from other humans and the media.

Spirit/Soul: You are s spiritual being that is temporarily making residence in a human body.  It is critical that you maintain your soul on a daily basis because it is your connection to God and to every other human in the world. The best way to maintain your soul is by maintaining a strong daily relationship with God as you would any other person – by talking (prayer) and listening (meditation).

• It is highly recommended that you spend at least 15 minutes per day in conversation with your Creator.
• 5-10 minutes of prayer for yourself and for others allows you to remain connected to the source of your spiritual being.
• 5-10 minutes of meditation per day allows you to silence your 60,000 self-centered thoughts that you create per day long enough to be able to listen to God. This practice will allow you to remain focused on your really long-term goals (after your life inhabiting your early body ceases)

By allocating 60 minutes per day to your mental, spiritual and physical health, you will remain happy, healthy and peaceful during your time on earth.  For questions about your mental, spiritual or physical health, please address your questions in the form of prayer to your creator.  All responses will be responded to on a first-come, first-served basis during your meditation time.

Most companies, especially the larger ones are great at creating job descriptions for new and existing employees.  If you’re not familiar with them, they spell out in black and white exactly what the roles and responsibilities are for each position within a company. This minimizes the it’s not my job syndrome.

If the position were for an Executive Assistant, it would say things similar to:

• Handling the calendar for Chief Operating Officer: Scheduling of all meetings, calls, appointments and trips
• Screening and filtering of all incoming telephone calls and e-mail messages
• Creation of Word Processing, Spreadsheet and Presentation documents
• Office hours from 8AM-6PM: will frequently be asked to start early and stay late as requested by the COO

In the business world, we use the term role clarity in a positive light so that each person within the company knows how she/he will be measured at the end of the day, week, month, quarter and year. Role clarity minimizes ambiguity. When roles are clearly defined, employees can relax a little more knowing that they’re meeting expectations as clearly determined by the document created by Human Resources and/or management.

Should we consider creating job descriptions for our roles at home: husband, wife, son, daughter, father, mother, partner, roommate, etc.? If it’s the norm within the business world, maybe we should make it the norm at home?

Why might we consider doing this?  Are you certain that you’re meeting the expectations of the person or people with whom you share shelter?  Is your significant other meeting or exceeding your expectations?  If not, are you giving them clear and nurturing feedback or just keeping these negative feelings hidden?

Who sets these bars?  We usually set them, but we force the other people to figure out exactly what our standards are.

Keep jumping | Nope, not high enough |  Try again | Nope

Do I really want to know if I’m meeting expectations as a husband and father?

Do I really want to try as hard at home as I do in the outside world?

Feedback stings.  That’s why most of us do whatever we can to avoid it.  If I never ask you how I’m doing, I’ll never be disappointed with your response.  I’ll just keep going on in the ignorant splendor of missing the marks that have been set for me by others.

I think that this is where problems surface within our relationships at home.  What is frequently good enough for the other person is not good enough for us – or vice versa.

The problem at home is that most of us have no idea about exactly what the roles are and how we’re going to meet the expectations of the other person.

Here are some of the areas in which people have differing beliefs on what’s right and how things should be done at home:

Tidiness of the home

Is it okay to leave things on chairs or the floor?

Do dusting and vacuuming have to occur if we’re not cleaning for company or a party?

Why do I have to make the bed, I plan on using it again tonight?

I thought that you were responsible for the dishes and the laundry?

Tidiness of the home

• Is it okay to leave things on chairs or the floor?
• Do dusting and vacuuming have to occur if we’re not cleaning for company or a party?
• Why do I have to make the bed, I plan on using it again tonight?
• I thought that you were responsible for the dishes and the laundry?

Language used

• Critical versus nurturing environment: I only (criticize) speak this way to you because I love you.  I rarely or never criticize strangers.
• Is it appropriate to swear when it’s only us?
• Why don’t you speak to me as nicely as you do to your clients?

Sleeping schedules

• What is the right time to go to bed?
• What is the right time to get up?
• How late do we sleep-in on the weekend?
• Am I supposed to sleep on your schedule?

Entertainment

• How often should we go out together?
• How often do we go out as a couple? With other couples?
• How often should we vacation? How often with the children? How often without children?
• How often is it okay for me to go out without you (with friends)?
• Do we spend any time together at home when there is not a computer, television or smart phone distracting one or both of us?

Money

• Do I spend too much?
• Do I save too little?
• How much can I donate to charity?
• Why aren’t you making more than you are?
• I didn’t know that you expected me to be earning more than I am?
• Is it my job to pay the bills?

Work

• Will you please put down the iPhone and pay attention to me?
• I’m expected to be home for breakfast and dinner with the family? That eats into my work time!
• How often is it okay for me to be away on business travel?
• I didn’t know that you expected me to work.

Children

• Do you want any?
• How many is enough?
• Will we focus on the children or on each other as our main priority?
• Is it okay to let our relationship slide because of our devotion to the children?

Health

• Did you really expect me to keep the same body that I had when we were dating?
• When am I supposed to find time to exercise?
• I don’t really drink that much or that often.
• I’ll make getting the physical a priority next year.
• If we had more money, I’d eat healthier.

Faith

• I thought that you were going to take on that role with the children.
• I did that growing up but, it’s just not a priority in my life at this time.

Chores

• Who mows, weeds and shovels?
• Who does the dishes, laundry, dusting and vacuuming?

Relationship

• How nice to we have to be to each other at home?
• How often do we date?
• Do we treat each other as well as we treat people outside the home?
• Do we spend enough 1:1 time with each other?
• Are we really listening to each other?
• Are we showing the same level of love to each other that we’re showing to the children?

Maybe we should write out our own role descriptions for our roles at home and share them with the people who share our homes with us?

Maybe we should give the other person feedback on exactly what we’re looking for in our relationship with them?

At the end of your fiscal year, the document can be updated in order to take the relationship to the next level in the coming year.

We’re either growing together, or we’re growing apart.

Growing together is a joy.

Growing apart is painful.

After the roles are defined, negotiated and agreed to by both parties, we’d have a living document that would be reviewed on a periodic basis – monthly, quarterly? Each person would give the other person candid but, nurturing feedback on where things are going well and where there is room for improvement. In my case, I’d receive detailed feedback from my wife and children with a total score of meets, exceeds or failed to meet expectations in every area. Carolyn and the kids will receive detailed feedback from me on where they are meeting, exceeding or failing to meet expectations.

Wow! You mean that we’d all have to perform at home as well as we’re expected to at work or school???

Does that mean that I have to be as nice to the people at my home as I am to my co-workers and customers???

Companies do this so that they can document performance levels that are less than what is required to remain in a particular role.  Documenting the performance levels against the levels of expectations agreed to prior to accepting the job makes it easier to terminate an employee who fails to meet clearly set expectations.  Frequent feedback at work gives the employee the opportunity to improve and meet the role expectations.

Don’t the people that we love at home deserve the same feedback and consideration that we get and give at work and school?  Isn’t there some level of communication that should exist on a very frequent basis between our uttering of the worlds I do and  I do not know if I want to continue in this relationship? Of course there is.

At home, no matter how much we do, say or contribute, we all feel unappreciated at times.

Lack of appreciation from the people we love can sometimes lead to feelings of resentment.

When people are not living up to the expectations that we have of them, this too can cause us to begin resenting the other person. One of the problems with resentment is that only one person is hurting if the other person doesn’t know that he or she is not living up to the expectations of the other.

Although the creation of job descriptions for the our roles at home sounds a little sterile and formal, it would result in the setting of clear expectations for each individual and result in agreement on what a mutually beneficial relationship would look like.  It would create a process for constant communication and continuous feedback.  It would allow us to address issues on a regular basis so that we’d have the opportunity to live up to each other’s expectations and make changes while the problems are still fresh.

The problem that I see in many relationships is that expectations are not being set or met and there is little or no communication about it until the problems are serious enough to require professional help.

If we had to choose whether to treat our families or people outside the home better, wouldn’t it make more sense to treat our families impeccably?

How about getting into the habit of treating all people with love and kindness all the time?  You’ve got the potential to do it!

David Kundtz

Considered an inspirational nutritionist, David Kundtz provides soulful insights that remind us what matters most.

David has enjoyed several careers, including 18 years in religious ministry and 20 years in the practice of psychotherapy, public speaking on stress and emotional health, and writing.

Born in Cleveland, Ohio, and schooled in Washington, Baltimore, and Berkeley, David holds graduate degrees in both psychology and theology and a doctorate in pastoral psychology.

He also spent several years in Idaho and Cali, Columbia, finally settling between Kensington, California and Vancouver, British Columbia. He is also an adjunct professor at the Pacific School of Religion in Berkeley and is a member of the Board of Directors of GroundSpark.

David offers reflections, stories, and wise guidance that remind us to live in a state of awareness about the reality that always exists in front of our faces, under our noses, or just below the surface of every moment. He can be reached through his website: Stopping.com.