About a month ago, I found out that one of the two priests from our parish was in the hospital. This particular priest is not just any priest to me.  This priest is Fr. Ouellette.

Fr. Ouellette was one of the many priests at my parish when I was a young boy.  Way back then, daily mass was said several times per day at our church and altar boys were assigned to serve at each mass.  I served with Fr. Ouellette many times at these daily masses, for funerals during the school week and at weddings over the weekend. He always treated me – any everyone else -  like gold. He was one of the most appreciative people that I’ve ever known. He taught me how to show sincere appreciation for the smallest acts of kindness shown by others.

Somewhere around 1973, the Christmas masses were so crowded that we had two midnight masses – one in the beautiful, ornate upper church and a second in the darker, dingier but, just-as-large lower church. On this particular evening, this 12-year old was sick, but still wanted the honor of serving at midnight mass (even though I was relegated to the downstairs dungeon!).  I must’ve been sicker than I thought because I fainted right in the middle of the mass.  This was not just any lazy, quiet, not-get-noticed, graceful faint either.  My entire pudgy body smashed against the kneeler and caused it to crash against the solid marble altar floor with a resounding boom!  My older brother, Bill, and  my Dad rushed up to the altar to carry me into the sacristy as Fr. Ouellette looked-on to make sure that I was okay. Fr. Ouellette followed my Dad and brother into the sacristy to make sure that I was okay before proceeding with mass.  He taught me kindness and compassion.

One of the reasons that he’s been assigned to our parish almost continuously since 1973 is that his dear Mother lived in our city.  The great part of that is that he frequently incorporated stories about his family into his homilies. He wasn’t  a boring priest who spoke in monotone about God,God,God.  He was a human who had a real family. He frequently spoke about real family responsibilities and challenges from first-hand experience. He spoke of each challenge in his life with faith in God and hope and confidence that things would always turn out well. He taught me how to honor and appreciate family-especially when things are not perfect.

The St. Vincent de Paul Society is a group within the Catholic Church that cares for the poor within the parish. Its members collect food and money from the parishioners so that they’ll be able to provide for the poor on a weekly basis throughout the entire year. Fr. Ouellette has always been our biggest ambassador and salesperson. When he speaks about a topic, he never uses notes and always speaks from his heart with tremendous passion.  He doesn’t act like he cares…he cares.  He taught me sincerity and authenticity.

When I went to visit my 83-year old friend a few weeks ago, there were signs all over the door to his hospital room. Disinfect hands before entering. Caution: Infectious matter. Put-on gloves prior to entering. Dispose of gloves before leaving room. Nurses must put on gowns prior to entering. I was afraid to go in.

Once in the room, I saw my friend in bed with visible tubes everywhere  – his nose, mouth and arms.  He was having difficulty breathing. The nurse told me that he’d been unable to eat solid food for three weeks. He looked awful. His mouth was open. His lips were chapped. His arms were badly bruised from all of the the IV’s there were inserted into his veins.  I pulled up a chair and sat next to his bed and began to pray. My mind immediately came to a standstill.  Because of his age, poor health, and the obvious pain that he was in, I wasn’t sure if I was praying for him to recover or for him to die quickly and peacefully.  After a little consideration, I proceeded to pray for about 30 uninterrupted minutes for God’s will and not mine. He was so bad that I expected any one of his gasping breaths to be his last.  I was giving up hope.

All of a sudden, the silence in the room was broken. A chipper nurse entered the room to check on his vital signs. I took that opportunity to step out of the room to give my friend some privacy. From just outside the door, I could hear the nurse wake up Fr. Ouellette and tell him that he had a guest.  When I re-entered the room, he rolled over to face me.  The man who looked like he was ready to breathe his last breath, opened his eyes and said with a top-of-the-mornin’-tone, Hello Bob. I thought that he was about to die and within a matter of a few seconds, he began engaging me in conversation just as he had since 1973. How are you? It’s so good to see you.

Although his body was failing him, his teacher’s mind was as sharp as ever.  He asked me how Virginia (my Mom) was doing.  He told me what a great man Oscar (my Dad) was.  He and my Dad both went to the same high school. He went on to compliment my wife Carolyn and say what a valuable member of the parish she’s always been (not bad for a convert!).  He praised both of my kids (again by name). He then asked me about both of my brothers and sister by name. Because each of my siblings lives out of state, he hasn’t seen any of them in years. His name recollection was better than mine and I was not currently on drugs!

A few minutes ago I was considering praying for this man to die and he’s now speaking to me with his usual compassion and the memory of a teen-ager.  What was I thinking?  God does know better than I do.

Fr. Ouellette never complained (he did mention that he missed having turkey on Thanksgiving) during either of my hospital visits. For his entire life he was grateful and appreciative. He’d been lying in bed for weeks without solid food, without the ability to say mass and his thoughts were on God’s will – not his. His thoughts were on me and my family – not himself.  He always looks out for the well-being of those around him.

That is the exact attitude that he’s been preaching from the pulpit and living in his everyday life since I’ve known him. He has an unwavering faith in God. He has trust in God. He knows that God’s will is better than his. He always talks about the importance of family. He talks about how faithful and generous his parishioners are. He makes the people around him feel good about themselves.  He knows that we all make mistakes but, we can always recover.  He always has us leaning in the right direction – towards the positive, towards the good, towards God. I learned each of these things from him.

That is the type of attitude that has made Fr. Ouellette one of my family’s favorite priests -ever!  When our parish had the luxury of having 5+ priests on staff, we’d never know which priest would be celebrating at any given liturgy.  I can remember family members returning home from church saying with pleasure and thankfulness, it was Fr. Ouellette!  It was like someone had won the lottery.  He was always the gift that was given freely.

At mass last Sunday, another dear friend, Fr. Sannella walked down the center aisle of the church, leaned over, put his hand on my shoulder and whispered, Fr. Ouellette died last night.

Although I was a little sad, a smile came to my face after a few seconds of thought.  His entire life was dedicated and focused on helping people get to where he has now taken up residence. As I said prayers that night, I knew that I was not praying for Fr. Ouellette to get into heaven. He created heaven on earth for himself by living a Christ-like life each and every day.  He brought God’s presence with him wherever he went.  He now has a permanent residence in His Father’s mansion.

A friend’s daughter just walked into the coffee shop where I’m writing today. I told the beautiful 19-year old about Fr. Ouellette. She said with a proud smile, Oh, I love him, he baptized me!

Fr. Ouellette made the world a better place because of his presence: may you and I do the same each and every day.

Have you ever seen Jim Carrey’s movie Liar Liar? If you haven’t seen it, I’d highly recommend watching it someday when you’re in the  mood for a mindless, hysterically funny movie. In the movie, Jim Carrey plays the part of a lawyer named Fletcher who made a promise to his young son that he was going to tell the truth – at all times! For the entire movie, he answers every question and responds to every situation with the truth.

Could you imagine saying what you’re really thinking and feeling at all times?

“The dinner was exceptionally bland.”

“No, we’re not busy this weekend. We just don’t want to come to your party.”

“That was an exceedingly boring presentation. Not only was it boring but, you looked very nervous.”

“No, I don’t have to get off the phone right now but, I’d like to because I’m tired of listening to you.”

“How much weight have you gained?”

“Did you misplace your iron?”

“You’re how old?  I thought that you were a lot older than that!”

What would your life be like if you always spoke the truth – to everyone- in every situation?

Here are three of my favorite examples of Jim Carrey’s inability to lie in Liar Liar:

Liar Liar Unable to Tell a Lie example 1:

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?

Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!

Cop: Why don’t we just take it from the top?

Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*!

Cop: Is that all?

Fletcher: No… I have unpaid parking tickets.

[groans]

Fletcher: … be gentle.

Liar Liar Unable to Tell a Lie example 2:

Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?

Judge: Can’t it wait?

Fletcher: Yes it can. But I’ve heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!

Judge: Is that true?

Fletcher: It has to be!

Judge: In that case I’d better take a quick break myself.

Liar Liar Unable to Tell a Lie example 3:

Secretary: Do you like my new dress?

Fletcher: What ever takes the focus off your head!

In Kathy Kiely’s column on usatoday.com  – “Obama accepts Wilson’s outburst apology” – she talks about  Rep. Joe Wilson’s outburst last night during President Obama’s prime time address on health care.

Rep. Joe Wilson Unable to Tell a Lie example 1:

President Obama: There are also those who claim that our reform efforts would insure illegal immigrants.  This, too, is false.  The reforms — the reforms I’m proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally.

Rep. Joe Wilson: You Lie!

Have you ever done what Joe Wilson did?  Has the emotion that’s been building up inside of you ever been so strong that you were unable to control your vocal chords and tongue? It’s happened to most of us.  For you and I, it most likely didn’t occur in response to the President of the United Stated in front of Congress on live television!

One of the companies that I’ve worked very closely with over the years has a list of core values that employees are supposed to embody.  One of the ones that gets spoken about most frequently is candor.

I think that it gets spoken about frequently at this particular company (and within most organizations that I work with) because it’s rarely utilized.

Candor has one of the shortest definitions within Webster’s dictionary: Frankness of expression: sincerity (honesty).

Why are we so reluctant to be candid with each other?  I know from personal experience that when I’m candid with a prospect, customer, my wife or one of my children, the outcome is always favorable. I don’t mean that it was easy. I don’t mean that every one was smiling and singing Kumbaya because they were so ecstatic with my constructive feedback. What I do mean is that I’ve been very clear (and nurturing) in my communication and the person with whom I’m speaking clearly understands my position.

How about when I’m on the receiving end of the candid communication?  I frequently have to beg people to be candid with me because most people – family, friends, customers, consultants- would rather say nothing than deliver candid, constructive feedback.

Why?

Most people think that we’d prefer being in the dark or unclear about a situation than to risk hurting us with their feedback.  Feedback is ESSENTIAL for our growth. There is no growth without feedback.

When I receive candid (negative) feedback does it sting?  Yes–for a few seconds.  But, now that I’m armed with the truth – or the other person’s perception of the truth, I can determine how to best proceed with improving the relationship, situation and/or myself.

I’d like to thank Rep Joe Wilson for his candor.  I would be very surprised if he and President Obama don’t end up speaking or meeting within the next week or so.

I will encourage him to use another word that I just looked up in the dictionary in future communication - tact: the ability to appreciate the delicacy of a situation and to do or say the kindest or most fitting thing.

I’ll give him a “do-over” on this one.

Thanks for the laugh, Joe!

Listen to this blog post:
 

“We act in accordance with the truth as we perceive and believe it to be.”  That is one of the cornerstones of the curriculum from The Pacific Institute a company that specializes in changing  the culture (beliefs) at companies and in countries around the world.  The magical word there is truth.  What is the real truth?

That’s probably what we’re fighting about.

Jessica Ravitz wrote a column on CNN.com called “From KKK, Mideast to church, film explores hate and hope.”   Her column and interview of Mike Ramsdell – the creator of the documentary “The Anatomy of Hate: A Dialogue for Hope,”  – tries to understand why and how so many of us have come to hate others.

After 9/11, Ramsdell set out to answer a couple of questions:

1. “Why do people hate?” and
2. “If we are a species that is born with the intent to live a peaceful, prosperous and content life, why is it that we’ve never been able to collectively achieve that?”

His goal at the end of the process was to “understand” not to confront people ideologically.

Where do our beliefs come from?  We  learn knowledge from parents, teachers, coaches, clergy and guardians and we also learn from reading books, watching television and from the internet. Once we get an idea (belief) into our heads, we speak and act consistent with that belief–even if that belief is incorrect!

What I learned from The Pacific Institute is how to change my beliefs. I also learned that when we change our beliefs, effective leaders can cause the people around them to “see things differently” and begin changing their beliefs too.  That is how we go about changing the cultures of families, companies and countries.

When I learned how I could change any of my beliefs that I had outgrown, it caused me to assess my beliefs, determine where they came from and decide if they still served me or if they needed to be updated.

Many of my beliefs needed to be updated.  They were too restrictive. They didn’t allow me to grow. They caused me to be fearful of people who were different. They were causing me to be unhealthy. They were restricting my income. They were too “black and white”. I needed to learn to think in a broader spectrum of colors.

Let’s take a look at the beliefs that are held by the people who are part of the documentary. Give thought as to where their beliefs might have come from.

Ramsdell spoke with Fred Phelps who is the pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas.  Here are some of the slogans (beliefs) that the pastor is famous for: “God Hates Fags “, “Thank God for Dead Soldiers“, “America Is Doomed” and “Priests Boys“.    Here is what Ramsdell says about Phelps: “He’s a force of a human being. If you believe what’s written in the Bible (the way he does), then you’re just a man living out your belief systems. Whose interpretation of the Bible is right?”

We act in accordance with the truth as we perceive and believe it to be.

He also spoke with white supremacist Billy Roper. Roper runs White Revolution which is a new neo-Nazi organization that seeks to promote unity and cooperation among white supremacist groups.  Ramsdell says that Roper’s goal was to “create the ideal world for our children.”  Roper’s world “happens to be a white world”.  Ramsdell’s is a more unified world.

Many of our beliefs were formed as children when we were very impressionable. We learned who was good and who was bad. We learned who’s like us and who is different.  We learned who thinks the “right way” and who doesn’t.  We developed very strong beliefs because of the faith that we learned.  Our beliefs are impacted by our teachers and  where we chose to go to school and who we chose as friends.

There is an awful lot of information coming our way from many sources – family, friends, co-workers, the web, radio, television, etc.  Our job is to decide what information we give sanction to.   I’m always asking the question “who said so?” when I hear information.  How do I KNOW that it’s true?

There is a huge difference between believing and knowing.  We know something to be true because we’ve seen it, done it, or been there.  We “believe” something to be true when we’ve gleaned the information from another source. When we’ve heard it second hand.  We don’t know it to be true but, we believe that it’s true.

Who or what is the source of your information that is forming your beliefs or formed them in the past? Were you listening to experts?  Were you listening to people with good intentions but, happened to have very narrow, limiting beliefs? Were you listening to people who were brought up to fear people who were different ethnically, culturally or religiously?

The beautiful part of all of this is that beliefs are just thoughts that we’ve put into our heads and taken as fact or gospel.  We can change some of our beliefs instantaneously.  We’ve all made one-time affirmations.  “I’ll never eat that again.” “I’m could never see myself doing that!” With other more deep-seated beliefs, it will probably take longer.

For many of us, it’s time to do some soul and brain searching.  When we get to the bottom of most of our beliefs, we usually realize that we didn’t have all of the information when we decided “how to think”. We were acting from a place of ignorance.

Do your beliefs still serve you and the greater good?  If not, why not commit to seeking the education and the wisdom and the knowledge to become more tolerant, understanding and loving.

Seek out your own truth.