Most companies, especially the larger ones are great at creating job descriptions for new and existing employees.  If you’re not familiar with them, they spell out in black and white exactly what the roles and responsibilities are for each position within a company. This minimizes the it’s not my job syndrome.

If the position were for an Executive Assistant, it would say things similar to:

• Handling the calendar for Chief Operating Officer: Scheduling of all meetings, calls, appointments and trips
• Screening and filtering of all incoming telephone calls and e-mail messages
• Creation of Word Processing, Spreadsheet and Presentation documents
• Office hours from 8AM-6PM: will frequently be asked to start early and stay late as requested by the COO

In the business world, we use the term role clarity in a positive light so that each person within the company knows how she/he will be measured at the end of the day, week, month, quarter and year. Role clarity minimizes ambiguity. When roles are clearly defined, employees can relax a little more knowing that they’re meeting expectations as clearly determined by the document created by Human Resources and/or management.

Should we consider creating job descriptions for our roles at home: husband, wife, son, daughter, father, mother, partner, roommate, etc.? If it’s the norm within the business world, maybe we should make it the norm at home?

Why might we consider doing this?  Are you certain that you’re meeting the expectations of the person or people with whom you share shelter?  Is your significant other meeting or exceeding your expectations?  If not, are you giving them clear and nurturing feedback or just keeping these negative feelings hidden?

Who sets these bars?  We usually set them, but we force the other people to figure out exactly what our standards are.

Keep jumping | Nope, not high enough |  Try again | Nope

Do I really want to know if I’m meeting expectations as a husband and father?

Do I really want to try as hard at home as I do in the outside world?

Feedback stings.  That’s why most of us do whatever we can to avoid it.  If I never ask you how I’m doing, I’ll never be disappointed with your response.  I’ll just keep going on in the ignorant splendor of missing the marks that have been set for me by others.

I think that this is where problems surface within our relationships at home.  What is frequently good enough for the other person is not good enough for us – or vice versa.

The problem at home is that most of us have no idea about exactly what the roles are and how we’re going to meet the expectations of the other person.

Here are some of the areas in which people have differing beliefs on what’s right and how things should be done at home:

Tidiness of the home

Is it okay to leave things on chairs or the floor?

Do dusting and vacuuming have to occur if we’re not cleaning for company or a party?

Why do I have to make the bed, I plan on using it again tonight?

I thought that you were responsible for the dishes and the laundry?

Tidiness of the home

• Is it okay to leave things on chairs or the floor?
• Do dusting and vacuuming have to occur if we’re not cleaning for company or a party?
• Why do I have to make the bed, I plan on using it again tonight?
• I thought that you were responsible for the dishes and the laundry?

Language used

• Critical versus nurturing environment: I only (criticize) speak this way to you because I love you.  I rarely or never criticize strangers.
• Is it appropriate to swear when it’s only us?
• Why don’t you speak to me as nicely as you do to your clients?

Sleeping schedules

• What is the right time to go to bed?
• What is the right time to get up?
• How late do we sleep-in on the weekend?
• Am I supposed to sleep on your schedule?

Entertainment

• How often should we go out together?
• How often do we go out as a couple? With other couples?
• How often should we vacation? How often with the children? How often without children?
• How often is it okay for me to go out without you (with friends)?
• Do we spend any time together at home when there is not a computer, television or smart phone distracting one or both of us?

Money

• Do I spend too much?
• Do I save too little?
• How much can I donate to charity?
• Why aren’t you making more than you are?
• I didn’t know that you expected me to be earning more than I am?
• Is it my job to pay the bills?

Work

• Will you please put down the iPhone and pay attention to me?
• I’m expected to be home for breakfast and dinner with the family? That eats into my work time!
• How often is it okay for me to be away on business travel?
• I didn’t know that you expected me to work.

Children

• Do you want any?
• How many is enough?
• Will we focus on the children or on each other as our main priority?
• Is it okay to let our relationship slide because of our devotion to the children?

Health

• Did you really expect me to keep the same body that I had when we were dating?
• When am I supposed to find time to exercise?
• I don’t really drink that much or that often.
• I’ll make getting the physical a priority next year.
• If we had more money, I’d eat healthier.

Faith

• I thought that you were going to take on that role with the children.
• I did that growing up but, it’s just not a priority in my life at this time.

Chores

• Who mows, weeds and shovels?
• Who does the dishes, laundry, dusting and vacuuming?

Relationship

• How nice to we have to be to each other at home?
• How often do we date?
• Do we treat each other as well as we treat people outside the home?
• Do we spend enough 1:1 time with each other?
• Are we really listening to each other?
• Are we showing the same level of love to each other that we’re showing to the children?

Maybe we should write out our own role descriptions for our roles at home and share them with the people who share our homes with us?

Maybe we should give the other person feedback on exactly what we’re looking for in our relationship with them?

At the end of your fiscal year, the document can be updated in order to take the relationship to the next level in the coming year.

We’re either growing together, or we’re growing apart.

Growing together is a joy.

Growing apart is painful.

After the roles are defined, negotiated and agreed to by both parties, we’d have a living document that would be reviewed on a periodic basis – monthly, quarterly? Each person would give the other person candid but, nurturing feedback on where things are going well and where there is room for improvement. In my case, I’d receive detailed feedback from my wife and children with a total score of meets, exceeds or failed to meet expectations in every area. Carolyn and the kids will receive detailed feedback from me on where they are meeting, exceeding or failing to meet expectations.

Wow! You mean that we’d all have to perform at home as well as we’re expected to at work or school???

Does that mean that I have to be as nice to the people at my home as I am to my co-workers and customers???

Companies do this so that they can document performance levels that are less than what is required to remain in a particular role.  Documenting the performance levels against the levels of expectations agreed to prior to accepting the job makes it easier to terminate an employee who fails to meet clearly set expectations.  Frequent feedback at work gives the employee the opportunity to improve and meet the role expectations.

Don’t the people that we love at home deserve the same feedback and consideration that we get and give at work and school?  Isn’t there some level of communication that should exist on a very frequent basis between our uttering of the worlds I do and  I do not know if I want to continue in this relationship? Of course there is.

At home, no matter how much we do, say or contribute, we all feel unappreciated at times.

Lack of appreciation from the people we love can sometimes lead to feelings of resentment.

When people are not living up to the expectations that we have of them, this too can cause us to begin resenting the other person. One of the problems with resentment is that only one person is hurting if the other person doesn’t know that he or she is not living up to the expectations of the other.

Although the creation of job descriptions for the our roles at home sounds a little sterile and formal, it would result in the setting of clear expectations for each individual and result in agreement on what a mutually beneficial relationship would look like.  It would create a process for constant communication and continuous feedback.  It would allow us to address issues on a regular basis so that we’d have the opportunity to live up to each other’s expectations and make changes while the problems are still fresh.

The problem that I see in many relationships is that expectations are not being set or met and there is little or no communication about it until the problems are serious enough to require professional help.

If we had to choose whether to treat our families or people outside the home better, wouldn’t it make more sense to treat our families impeccably?

How about getting into the habit of treating all people with love and kindness all the time?  You’ve got the potential to do it!

Drawn from the extraordinary true story of a family’s survival of Siberian exile comes One Life to Give: A Path to Finding Yourself by Helping Others

In the winter of 1939, five-year-old Andrew Bienkowski was exiled to Siberia with his family. The two years of struggle that followed—especially his grandfather’s amazing act of sacrifice during their first long, cold winter—have informed the rest of Andrew’s life. Thanks to his devoted mother, his quick-witted grandmother, and the unexpected kindness of strangers, Andrew established an approach to life that emphasizes helping others as the essential path to finding our greatest human fulfillment. Andrew is a veteran of the U.S. Air Force who served in the Korean War. He has worked as a psychologist for 40 years, designing and implementing mental-health programs and working directly with patients. Co-author Mary Akers is also the author of a short story collection titled “Women Up On Blocks.” Her fiction, poetry and non-fiction have appeared in many journals and anthologies.

Available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Borders, and a bookstore near you

Beautiful, new and stylish clothing.

Dinners at impressive restaurants.

Newly sculpted, leaner, healthy body.

Multiple course, home-made  meals.

Noticing everything positive about the person.

Smiling and hanging on every word the other person says.

Perfectly groomed, manicured and scented.

Sending gifts, text messages, flowers to show how thoughtful and kind we are.

Those are examples of things that people do when they’re dating or in a relatively new relationship.  If you’re in a new relationship, many of those behaviors are probably very familiar to you – right?  If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, I hope that you’re maintaining the I still love you enough to treat you like gold behaviors.

One of the men that I know was recently commenting to another friend about his recent 25-30 pound weight loss.  He proudly said, I haven’t been this weight since I was in college (he’s in his forties now)! Why do I think that he decided to lose the weight now after 20+ years of maintaining extra insulation around his torso?  He’s newly divorced and back among the dating.

When we’re trying to attract a new partner, we try to present ourselves as being better than we are when we’re just being ourselves. We seem to put on a show long enough to get what we want and then we slip-back into our old behaviors. In the case of my friend, his unhealthy, heavier body was good enough for himself, his wife and his kids but, it wasn’t good enough for the new person he has yet to attract.

What caused him to put the additional weight on over the course of the marriage?

Did his wife put on the additional weight too?

Was it only the weight-gain or were there other signs that people were being treated at lower levels of respect than when the relationship commenced?

One of the professions that many people dislike and find disingenuous is salesperson.  I think that one of the reasons for the dislike is that stereotypical salespeople have the reputation of being smiley, pleasant, responsive and attentive when trying to bring on a new customer.  Once the customer has been sold, many salespeople either disappear or drastically reduce the quality and quantity of support that was shown when the client was still a prospect.

Many salespeople treat their prospects better than they treat their customers.

Many humans treat people better during the courting/dating stages than they do once the relationship has matured into a committed state.

I wonder if we were bad judges of character when we originally got into the relationship that we’re in (or used to be in) or if one of us or both of us just got comfortable, satisfied and lazy?

I don’t think I’ll shave today.

These sweatpants look good with these flip flops.

Sure, I’ve put on a little weight but, ……….

Yes, I used to open the car door but, that’s when we were dating.

It’s a lot of work making the bed and we’re just going to use it again tonight.

Sure I’m critical but, have you seen the way she ….

Why do we often treat strangers more kindly than we treat the people we’re close to?

We all know the answer to that.  When we’re in relationships, many of us become comfortable and settle-down into comfort zones. It’s almost as if we say, because I’m so comfortable with you and our relationship, I’ve let myself go and no longer go out of my way to treat you like the special person you are.

All of the results that we get in our relationships and entire life are a result of our thoughts.  That’s really good news because that means that we can change at any time with the simple updating or changing of a thought.

We have the exact amount of creativity and energy to accomplish every single goal that we set.

(Please pick one)

Is your goal to maintain the quality of your relationship?

Is your goal to improve the quality of your relationship?

Is your goal to decrease the quality of your relationship?

I don’t believe that anyone intentionally wants to decrease the quality of a relationship.  The best way to make sure that it doesn’t happen is to be intentional about what you do want.

In relationships and every aspect of your life, please ask yourself, what is my intent?

Yes, I’m asking you to be a very thoughtful person in regards to your relationships.  We’re always thoughtful when we’re trying to impress.  I think that many of us become thoughtless once we have what we want.

Energy and creativity shut-off once our goal has been accomplished.

What would be some of the thoughts or beliefs that we might hold if we wanted our relationships to maintain or improve-upon the quality  they were when the relationship began?  I’ll use the word partner as a substitute for : significant other, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc.

• I pay attention to my partner and listen intently because she’s the center of my life.
• I enjoy dressing neatly and nicely the way I did when we were dating.
• Because I respect myself and my partner, I maintain the same healthy body that I had when we met.
• I impress my partner with a multiple course, home-made candle-lit meal at least once per month.
• I take my partner on a date at least once per week.
• I pay attention to my partner’s positive traits and qualities and vocalize them with sincere appreciation.
• I leave hand-written love notes for my partner periodically to show that I’m still infatuated.
• I happily send text messages and e-mails  periodically when I’m thinking about my partner while at work or on a business trip.
• I listen intently to each word she speaks and treat her as if she’s the most important person in the room.

The love, respect, kindness and civility that we show for our partners is the result of the crystal-clear thoughtful intentions and expectations that we hold in our mind.

Can you envision what your relationship would be like if you and your partner intentionally committed to treating each other like you were still dating – forever?  Do you like the vision that you’re seeing in your mind?  I do too.

I’m going to go and leave a hand-written note for my wife and leave it underneath the windshield wiper on her car like we used to do to each other when we were in college.

Dating is exciting – even after 25 years!

I have two thoughts about Christmas:

#1: It is a time of love, peace, and happiness

#2: It is a time for giving and forgiving

I’d say that the second thought is more important than the first.

Do we give people gifts to show how much we love them or do we give gifts because we’re incapable of speaking or showing our love with our words and actions?

Material gifts never replace the love shown with your words, kindness and compassion.

Christians are celebrating the birth of the Son of God – the Savior- on Christmas.  Christians believe that Jesus died for all of our sins. We believe that each of our sins is forgiven once we ask God to forgive us.

If I expect God to forgive me (and I do), should I not be as willing to forgive others?  Yes, I should.

As Christians celebrate the birth of Christ, it’s also a time to celebrate the birth of new God-like actions in ourselves. Forgiveness is one of the best God-like attributes that I know.

I’m pretty certain that non-Christians will enjoy reading Jesus’ words of love, peace, compassion and forgiveness as much as I enjoy reading about how people of other faiths have come to know and love God.

When we apologize to another person or forgive another, we’re potentially making two people feel better. When we remove all of the anger, animosity and hostility from our lives, we create the room to allow love to take their place.

Christmas is the time for forgiving.  Forgive yourself. Forgive others.  Welcome family and friends back into your life.  Start this habit today and maintain it for the rest of your life.

Learn from those around us who can no longer hug and love the people they’ve lost.  Love everyone today while you’re still given the gift of that person. All that we’re certain of is today.

We are the only gifts that matter.  Our spirits are forever.  The material gifts all perish.

Forgive during this season for giving.

During our Christmas celebration on Friday evening, a friend told me that he liked one of last week’s blogs about forgiveness.  He asked me if I had really forgiven everyone in my life because he was having a hard time forgiving one particular person – and for a very good reason.

How long does it take to be ready, willing and able to forgive another person?

When my friend questioned my 100% forgiveness of others statement, part of my response to him reminded me that in some cases, it had taken me years from the time of the incident to even become ready to communicate with the individual. I knew as soon as I answered him that my forgiveness had taken way too long.

Did it need to take me years to be able to forgive or apologize?  No.

Forgiveness in its best form can be instantaneous.  The mind says, I think that I’ll forgive this person and the lips start moving, I forgive you.

Lots of people have written many great things on the topic of forgiveness. Below are a few of my favorite quotes on the topic along with a few comments and sample affirmations to use to assimilate the new mindsets:

Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten — Buddha

Buddha is challenging us to decide whether we’d prefer cherishing resentment or if we’d prefer to be resentment-free and cherish feelings of peace and serenity.  As with all the changes that we choose to make in ourselves, this one requires a mindset to be deleted and replaced with a new mind.    In this case, it’s the mind of Buddha.

Affirmation: I happily and easily forgive each person at the time of the incident and cherish my resentment-free mind.

Jesus is very clear about when and how often we’re supposed to forgive in Luke’s Gospel, “Take heed to yourselves; if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him; and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

It sounds like Jesus is letting us know that forgiveness should be ongoing and instantaneous. Can you imagine the same person offending you seven times in the same day?  Could you imagine forgiving that same person seven times?  That’s what he’s telling us to do. Can I do that?

Jesus’ words are always giving me a better vision of myself than how I am currently living.  Although the gap between where I am currently and where he’s calling me to be seems big at the time,  I am able to lessen and eventually close the gap with repetition of his words. Mentors always see a better picture of us than we see of ourselves. The key for us is to surround ourselves with the best mentors available – whether they’re still physically roaming the earth or not.

Affirmation: Forgiving the same individual multiple times for the same offense comes naturally to me because I am patient and understanding

Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn’t anyone who doesn’t appreciate kindness and compassion – Dalai Lama

Which type of hurt bothers you more?  Is it the feeling of having hurt another or the feeling of having been hurt by someone else?  For me, the feeling of thinking that I’ve hurt another person is much more painful.  Apologizing and receiving the gift of forgiveness from another person takes a tremendous burden off my mind and soul.  Because I know that feeling well, I want to be sure to give that same gift to others as soon and as frequently as possible.

It’s always possible to forgive.  Forgiveness is a choice.  We either choose to forgive or we choose to hold on to our anger and resentment. The more that you’ve been hurt by the other person, the larger the gift that you give them with your forgiveness.  Give large gifts to others.

Affirmation: I show kindness and compassion to others by graciously forgiving offenses whether large or small

To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it – Confucius

A short and sweet message from Confucius. My mother has a great trait of having a very poor memory for bad things done by people. This is not a trait that was acquired later in life as a result of a fading memory. She’s always had the Confucius-like quality of not holding on to bad memories.  Either I received this gene from her of I’ve been able to develop the qualities of living in the present and forgetting the bad that happened in the past.

Affirmation: I am a master of remembering the kindness that is shown toward me and am equally good at forgetting offenses

If we practice an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless –Mahatma Gandhi

I really enjoy people who have the skill to deliver a message in a humorous fashion. We’re being encouraged this time by Gandhi to forgive rather than to get even. What a great trait this is.  It’s a choice to act in a God-like manner rather than in a malicious manner.  When we forgive, we’re sharing the gift of compassion and kindness with another person. We’re showing them that it’s possible to love and forgive rather than retaliate or harbor grudges.

Goodness, kindness and forgiveness are the result of an increase in our awareness. They’re the result of becoming aware through mentors like Gandhi, Jesus, Confucius, Buddha and the Dalai Lama that we have the potential to be more compassionate than we are today.

It’s an awareness that the peace and serenity that result from our forgiveness of others feels so much better than the painful repetition in our minds of how we’ve been wronged by another.

What good comes from holding on to our anger, hurt and resentment?  I can’t think of any.

What good comes from forgiving another person?  You feel better and the other person feels better.  A burden has been taken off your shoulders and your soul.  Your soul has become a little bit brighter as a result of the dark emotion being removed and replaced by love.

Because I believe Jesus’ words, I know that I will be forgiven for every offense if I’m truly sorry. That same belief allows me to forgive myself after I’ve been off-the-mark or off-my-game. If I expect to be forgiven quickly and if I want to forgive myself quickly, then it makes sense that I offer the same consideration to others – quickly.

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were –Cherie Carter-Scott

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Wholeness. Complete. Lacking in nothing.  What does that feel like?

Today in North America, and increasingly in other industrialized countries around the world, we’re having a harder time keeping our bodies healthy.  There are plenty of great reasons for us to be unhealthy.  Restaurants supersize our portions, buffets are everywhere and many of us have been brought-up to “eat what’s on your plate!”.  With unemployment above 10% in the United States, those of us who are fortunate enough to be gainfully employed are working longer hours and being asked to be more productive.  The increase in hours, pressure to produce more and fear over possible loss of our jobs have caused very high levels of stress. Many of us find release from stress and fear through the comfort of food, drink or both.

Many people have become so unhealthy that they’ve said to themselves “that’s enough!  It’s time for me to take control of my health and get my body back into ideal health.” Many of my family members, friends and customers have either hired personal trainers to develop the knowledge and best-practices required to be able to eat properly and exercise safely or they’ve learned these great habits on their own via self-study.

They’re proud of themselves because they’ve allocated time on either a daily or multiple time per week basis for exercise and they now treat food and drink as a source of nourishment for their bodies instead of using food as a  bandaid to cover the wounds of stress, fear and unhappiness.

Although they’ve made major positive changes in their lifestyle and have transformed their bodies back to their normally healthy states, I still hear them saying, “I’ve made the changes that I needed to make on my body, and that’s still not enough!”

I would say that our physical bodies represent the lowest level of health that we can achieve as humans.  It’s critical that we take care of our physical bodies but, that is just one step in a 3-step process. You get to decide whether it’s step one, two or three for you.

I’ve trained hundreds of people at companies around the world how to monitor and control their self-talk - the thoughts that they hold in their mind which create their beliefs.  The people that have received this knowledge understand that our positive beliefs about ourselves and others lead to positive expectations and results.  Our negative beliefs about ourselves and others lead to the self-fulfilling prophecy of negative results.

Accepting responsibility for our own thoughts and for the thoughts that we allow into the sanctuary of our minds is a life-changing modification to our overall well-being.

People who become aware of this information are always amazed at how destructively they were speaking to themselves prior to receiving this education. Our beliefs are the software that is used to control our lives. I hear on a daily basis how they’ve used the knowledge of assimilating positive thoughts proactively to intentionally eliminate the negative, destructive thoughts  in order to make major transformations in their performance at work and in their personal lives.  Individuals have told me about how they’ve improved their incomes, changed careers, lowered their golf scores, started exercise routines, transformed their bodies, etc.

Some of the people who went through these education sessions came into the program with already healthy bodies.  Others have used this knowledge to transform their bodies. They’ve modified their own body-image by reconstructing that image in their mind first. They also used the information to make additional changes in many other aspects of their lives by monitoring and controlling their self-talk.  They’ve taken on this proactive approach to making the changes that they desire for themselves with a gusto and wonder how they ever managed to get this far in life while ignoring their thoughts and beliefs.

It’s a fantastic feeling when we become aware of new knowledge or knowledge that’s existed for a very long time but, is new to us and transform our lives with that information.

These individuals used the new knowledge to eliminate the negative self-talk and proactively input positive affirmations related to the goals of what they could become.  They’re now moving quickly along the path to becoming healthy of body and healthy of mind.  Again, through my 1:1 conversations with them, there still seems to be something missing. I hear things like “I’m taking care of my body and now I’m making improvements in other areas of my life by creating positive self-talk in my mind with affirmations and that’s still not enough!”

This next higher level of managing our total self is managing our brains.  By monitoring, managing and changing our beliefs intentionally, we’re able to bring about amazing improvements in every aspect of our life.

All of the problems that we’re experiencing in our lives were created with our mind.  We’re going to need some additional out-of-our mind help with our thoughts and awareness to order to  create the solutions to these problems.

If we picture our complete self – our wholeness – in a pie chart, one small slice of the pie would represent our physical health.  Another larger slice of the pie would represent our mental health- the thoughts and beliefs that we’re using to run our lives. The third, largest and what ideally will become the foundational piece of our health would be represented by the spiritual slice of pie.

The spiritual piece of the pie contains four components: faith, hope, love and knowledge.  This is the third step in the process.

Our faith is what keeps us grounded on a minute to minute basis. Faith is our belief in God.  Our faith allows us to accept the promises given to us by God.  When we’re living and abiding in God’s word and allowing God’s spirit to dwell in us, we’re able to remain in a state of peace at all times.  Knowing God’s promises comes as a result of reading, learning and internalizing scripture. Our confidence in God comes as a result of coming to know God.

Some of us quote lines from movies. Some of us can give statistics from every athlete and team that has ever played a sport. Some of us have a hobby and can tell others everything related to that passion.  These are all good things. How about taking this same skill and applying it to the secrets of eternal peace?

For many of us, spiritual hope is based upon the expectation of everlasting life in heaven.  Some of us believe that the resurrection (taking ourselves from death to life or from darkness into the light) occurs while we’re still on earth as a result of believing, living and acting in alignment with God’s word and receiving the Holy Spirit into our being.

We show our Love by how we treat each of our brothers and sisters.  We become God’s eyes, ears and hands when we become aware of people who need assistance and give them our love by listening, hugging or assisting them with whatever they need.  The love in our minds and hearts manifests itself in our service to others. We are the spirit of God at work in our families, the community and the world. You and I are the answer to other’s prayers.

Our knowledge of God can be increased on a daily basis in a few simple ways.

• Our knowledge increases by reading and studying God’s words to us in the scriptures
• Our knowledge increases through prayer. In addition to formal prayers, our relationship develops as a result of silently talking to God and inviting God’s presence to be with us in every interaction throughout the day – in traffic, during meetings, in discussions with family – everywhere.
• Our knowledge increases through meditation.  There are many forms of meditation.  In its most basic form, meditation is a silencing of our minds to the point where we’ve silenced our own thoughts – our egos.  Through the process of eliminating all of our thoughts, we make room in our life to hear God’s thoughts.  When we stop talking and thinking, we’re able to actually listen.

If you’re trying to figure out where to start if you are trying to work on all three connected aspects of your being – your mind, your body and your spirit – I would suggest that you begin with your spirit.  Just the desire of inviting God into your life will begin the transformation of your mind and body. The practices of reading scripture, praying and meditating will manifest themselves in reduction of stress, increase of love and thoughts of well-being for your mind and body.

Over time, the fear, worry and stress that we experience will be completely replaced with faith in God whom we’ve intentionally come to know.

The pie chart is made whole and complete with the pie’s most significant secret ingredient -God. And that’s enough!

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This weekend, I attended a wake and funeral for a long-time friend’s Dad. Funerals and wakes are great places of unity because people of all backgrounds, faiths and incomes come together in one place to pray for and respect the deceased and to support those who are living.

Because the services were on Cape Cod in Massachusetts (about 2 hours from my home), I had the chance to spend Friday afternoon and evening after the wake and Saturday morning prior to the funeral with my in-laws.  During several hours of conversation over dinner, they asked me about one of my recent posts about Unity Consciousness. When I started engaging them on this topic, it brought back memories from 26 years ago for the three of us.

That was when I asked their daughter to marry me.  They were petrified because their 20-year-old Congregationalist (Protestant denomination) daughter was engaged to a 23-year-old Catholic. Beyond the usual parental sentiment that no one would ever be good enough for their daughter, my in-laws had several fears based on this inter-faith match:

• Catholicism teaches that our faith is the right faith and everyone else’s is wrong. | Fear #1: we would be married in a Catholic church and they would feel uncomfortable to the point of not attending their own daughter’s wedding.
• Catholics have traditionally not treated Protestants well. | Fear #2: my future bride would not be seen by me and my family as an equal in our marriage because she didn’t share our faith.
• Catholicism teaches against birth control. | Fear #3: Carolyn would become pregnant and be unable to earn her college degree and unable to support the baby should we get divorced.

I give you that background because fear is a very strong emotion that gets in the way of our ability to love and our ability to learn. Fear frequently puts up an artificial barrier which prevents us from hearing, seeing and learning the truth.  Fear inhibits our senses and ability to receive new, helpful and valuable information (fear causes us to act sense-less).

A natural instinct for many of us is to focus on the differences which exist between people rather than focus on and appreciate all that we have in common. After 25 years of marriage, my in-laws and I laugh at the fear that wasn’t funny for any of us at the time. Not only do we attend each other’s church services when visiting each other, my fantastic father-in-law sings with our choir on Christmas eve each year.  Each of the fears has been transformed into tremendous love and understanding.

My basic definition of Unity Consciousness is an awareness that each person in the world is our brother and sister and is connected to us and to God by the spirit of God that resides in each of us.

Each of us was born innocent and good.  For a variety of external reasons, some of us have turned away from good and hold bitterness, hatred and fear in our minds and souls. Ignorance, hatred and fear are signs of an absence of God.

An awareness of Unity Consciousness, allows us to look at each person with God-sense.  God-sense is perceiving humans with God’s senses of love, understanding and compassion.

It’s through a conversion of mind and soul that disenfranchised people will come together and live in happiness and peace with all humans.

As I began thinking about states of mind and faith that each of the 6.7 billion people in the world might fall into, I came up with the following categories:

People of differing faiths who believe in God, whatever his name may be

People of differing faiths who don’t believe in a God, but practice actions that are similar: love, compassion, wisdom

People who were raised within a faith community who do not make their faith – God or Spirituality – a part of their daily lives

People who have been raised without any practical knowledge of God, spirituality or religion

In my opinion, there is a huge overlap between the first two categories. What I mean by that is people of faith – whether they worship a God or not – display many of the same characteristics.  The faith that they follow allows them to pursue a life that is led with love, compassion, wisdom and a pursuit of peace (internal first, external after that).

Are there gaps that exist between different faiths? Yes.

Are the gaps easily filled in as a result of conversation and understanding? Yes.

Can each of us learn from faiths that are different than ours? Yes - once we are open to expansion of thought.

In every relationship that we have, we have to choose whether we want to focus on all that we have in common and on all of the good that exists within the other person or whether we’d like to focus on the thing(s) that we don’t have in common or that we don’t like about this individual.

If we chose to distance ourselves from people who are different than we are or from people who display traits that we don’t find attractive, we’d all be hermits. When we choose to focus on all things that unite us, we’re able to surround ourselves with friends from every nation, faith and socio-economic class. We become full of love and compassion and absent of fear.

The third and fourth categories have much in common too. These two categories also have people with gaps in their potential. In these cases, the gaps exist because of religion gone bad or because of a gap in knowledge – education.

I define religion gone bad as when an individual becomes turned-off to faith because of an interaction or incident with a relative (parent, grandparent, sibling), or clergy that has caused them to divorce themselves from that faith, and frequently from all organized religion.

I love this passage from James (1:27): Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. Religion in and of itself is good. It can be abused and misused by people.  The tongue is a very useful and helpful body part.  It too can be misused and become an instrument that harms rather than heals.  I choose to keep religion and my tongue but, endeavor to use both as tools of love and peace.

I would say that the gaps in knowledge that exist in each of us can be easily filled-in with education. When one becomes exposed to the words of Jesus by reading the new testament or to Buddhism by reading the writings of the Dalai Lama, how could anyone not embrace these ways of thinking, acting and living?

Until each of us reaches perfection and comes into perfect truth, fullness and knowledge of God, gaps exist in each of us. Those gaps are filled through a daily practice that is designed to close the gaps (distance) that exist between us and God.

Buddhists have created the antidotes to the afflictive emotions of lust, hatred and ignorance.  The antidotes are love, compassion and wisdom.

Enlightenment comes as a result of a daily pursuit of faith, hope, love and knowledge.  It comes to us via prayer, meditation, reading, service to others and worship. It’s an environment where everyone is welcomed and appreciated. The more that we serve God and others and come to understand God and others, the more we come to know and understand ourselves.

At wakes and funerals, everyone is welcomed and appreciated. They are a time to focus on our spiritual life on earth and our spiritual life after the death of our earthly bodies. We go to wakes and funerals out of service to others and end up reflecting on our own lives and our own spirituality.

Unity Consciousness is our united relationship with God and with all humans.

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Sunday night was a big night for our family.  My daughter Emily received the sacrament of Confirmation. I sat in-between my wife and my son James, Emily’s sponsor, and watched her lips move as she professed her faith. She looked beautiful, mature and confident.  I noticed that her words were sincere and audible. Her eyes were big, bright and full of life.

Within the Catholic Church, babies are brought into the Christian community when they receive the sacrament of Baptism shortly after birth.  It is the parent’s wish for the child to receive the Holy Spirit and be brought into the Christian family. For this sacrament, the child doesn’t have any say in the matter.

The sacrament of Confirmation is where a mature adolescent confirms and affirms the faith that was chosen for them about 15-16 years prior.  This time, it’s their choice. If taken seriously, it’s one of the first major decisions made by young adults.

Emily took this decision very seriously.

Fifty three sophomores in high school said the words “I do” that night in response to several questions from the priest.  We say “I do”  – a present tense affirmation – at many important ceremonies in our life – Confirmation, Wedding Day, naturalization and court appearances.

At Confirmation, we’re saying “I do” to many matters of significance that will have great bearing on the rest of our lives:

• Our belief in God
• Our belief in Jesus Christ, the Son of God
• Our belief that Jesus died and rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven
• Our belief that we just received the Holy Spirit (the Spirit of God is residing within our earthly bodies)

If we believe those things, how is that for a gift received?  The gift given to those students last night (and for the prior 15+ years) by their parents, grandparents and sponsors is the best gift that they will ever receive.

I believe that the gift of faith – if taken seriously and cared for and nourished going forward – is more important than any material gift that we will ever receive.

Faith is the gift that is the great equalizer. It is the gift that we can receive at any stage of our life regardless of our background, vocation or net worth.  Faith is the gift that exponentially increases our True Net Worth!

The gift of a relationship with God, faith in God, belief in God and Hope in God is one that we’ll use 365 days per year until the day of our death. Our faith comes into play each and every time we have a thought and make a decision.

The gift of using Jesus as a role-model for how to act in every situation – at work, at school, at parties, within a marriage, with children, as a roommate, within politics, on the athletic field – is the gift that we can use every second of every day.  It’s an awareness of how Jesus lived, how he spoke and the miracles he committed. He was sent to be our primary role-model.  He is the ultimate mentor.

When we study his Word by reading the Gospels and letters within the New Testament, we become aware of how we’re called to live.  We’re given a blueprint for how to think, how to feel, how to serve others and how to treat others.

We no longer have to guess. The blueprint for eternal serenity is given to us in black and white and it’s very easy to follow.

Now that we’re given this blueprint for how to relate with God, treat ourselves and others, we get to be the HGTV designers of how we’ll decorate the blueprint that we’re given with the colors of our personality and with our very uniquely woven gifts.

We are united with God via the Holy Spirit. We have direct access to God and are encouraged to really come to know God the same way we would get to know others at a deep level.  By listening.  By asking questions.  By spending time. By trying to understand.

When we spend time learning about God, we end up learning about ourselves and about the divinity that is residing within us – our Holy Spirit.  That’s it!  We are God’s miraculous creation.  It is God’s Spirit that connects us with God and with each human on the planet. We are one in the Spirit.

We become complete realizing that we are truly connected to God and each other with the Holy Spirit that is present within each person. Confirmation is the sacrament where we’re publicly given the opportunity to acknowledge our connection to God and to each other. We get to publicly affirm our beliefs on a weekly basis when participating at church services.

Our gifts of patience, meekness, kindness and understanding allow us to look deep within others to find the Spirit whose flame may be quite dim because of anger, hatred or loss of hope. We bring the gifts of oxygen and wood to fuel the dimly lit flames within others.

We can envision our gift of the Holy Spirit the way that God and Angels are always perceived – as a very bright light.  You and I are the light of the world.

We bring God into the world each minute of each day with the light that is shining bright within our eyes and souls.  It is the light of love.  It is the light of peace.  It is the light of patience. It is the light of kindness. It is the light of compassion.  It is the light of service.

Keep your light of faith shining brightly for yourself and for all the people you touch on a daily basis who will welcome your light with open arms.

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Over this last weekend, I played the organ and sang at three masses at our church.  Our regular music minister had to go and assist a daughter at the last minute and asked me if I’d fill-in for her at each of her masses.  I immediately said “yes” so that she could return her attention to her daughter.  Although I have a piano at home and have been playing the piano since I was 5, I don’t play much any more and I was not 100% comfortable with the organ, the sound system or the songs for this weekend.

The 4PM mass on Saturday went pretty well.  On Sunday at 9AM, my wife, my 15-year old daughter and several neighbors and friends were present and all sitting right up front.  As I was finishing the end of a song, I must’ve taken my eye off the music for just long enough to get out of alignment between what I was singing and what I was playing. I ended the song on the wrong chord with several wrong notes.  It was like a car crash!!!

My eyes went immediately to my wife (who is not close to being a musician) and I saw the look on her face that said, “How could you have made such a horrendous mistake!”?  If she knew that it was a mistake then no one could’ve missed that one!

I knew that I had made a huge blunder.  The choices at that point were to either let my head go negative and begin beating myself up or to laugh at myself, smile, thank God for such a small problem, and focus on the next song.  I chose the latter with the intent of playing and singing the rest of the hymns so gloriously that no one would ever remember the shriek.

It was an intentional choice to stay positive, stay present (forget about the past) and move on.

That was a very recent example of where I would have desperately appreciated a  “do over” in my life.

I knew at that moment that I was probably being tougher on myself than anyone else in the congregation.  I’m certain that our Pastor was very thankful to have me playing and singing.  I know that the music minister who I was filling in for would forgive me.  I knew that because my intentions were great – filling in for a friend and to worship God – that God would forgive me.  God always forgives me.

Have you ever experienced moments of despair or embarrassment and wondered how you’re going to be able to move forward?  Me too. Without giving it too much thought, here are a few of my moments of despair or embarrassment:

• When I was in grammar school and taking piano lessons, my mind went completely blank during a recital. I was in front of a large audience and just sitting there with nothing coming out of my brain or my fingers related to the song(s) that I had memorized (apparently I hadn’t memorized them!).  My face was red and I was sweating with embarrassment as the silence in the recital hall seemed to go on for ever.
• In college, I dropped out of the management program half-way though a semester because I was so unprepared for the upcoming tests and overwhelmed with the curriculum – statistics, accounting, economics and finance all in the same semester!  “How’s school going?”  “I dropped out.”
• When I was out of college and working, I became a political casualty (I was fired) at work when my new manager brought in his own team of friends from his old company. When this happened, my stay-at-home wife was  pregnant with our second child (our daughter Emily) and I didn’t have a lot of liquid cash.  No job, no income, very little cash and no health benefits.  Now what?
• When Carolyn and I were trying to have children we went through numerous fertility tests to try and determine why we were unable to conceive. “Wow!  We might never be able to have the family that we’ve dreamed about.”  “What’s wrong with me?”  “What’s wrong with you?”
• When I finally got a new job, my income was not where it was supposed to be because I had been mislead during the interview process as to the amount of ongoing revenue from existing customers. I had to return the brand new Ford Taurus SHO muscle car that I had purchased and replace it with a used, old man’s Buick Century. I couldn’t afford the payments on the car and the mortgage with my drastically reduced income.  I felt humiliated as I drove into work the next day with the clunker.

We are usually tougher on ourselves than anyone else around us would ever be on us. People are forgiving, Life is forgiving.  God is forgiving.

It doesn’t matter what mistakes we’ve made because, there is not one that is so serious that we could not recover. It doesn’t matter how bad the cards are that we were dealt -a bad business partner, the loss of a job, a bad marriage, bad debt, a sour economy, a failed business, the demise of an industry.  It’s all history.  Life is not about history.  It’s about living in the present moment. We can always wipe the slate clean or reformat the hard disk of our lives.

You are larger than any problem that comes your way.

I had to get a new computer in June because the laptop which I use to run my businesses and personal life failed. How do we feel about the new computer?  It’s nice and shiny and new. The operating system is current.  The drives are virus free and full of lots of empty space.  There are no old files on the drive.

How do we treat the new computer?  We only put into the new computer the information that we choose to and that will serve us in the future.  All of the old files and viruses and worms and spyware are left on the old computer.

That how I see my life every day.  Our brains are so miraculous that it’s like buying a new computer on a daily basis.  We get to fill our brains with the files and programs that serve us today and that will serve us in the future.  We get to deliberately leave the worms and viruses and spyware that we somehow picked up along the roads of life in the past. There is plenty of space in the brain for all of the new, exciting thoughts that you want to think, now that you’ve created the space by leaving the viruses and negativity behind.

Give all of your problems to God.  Ask God for guidance.  Take time to become silent enough with yourself to listen to yourself and to listen to God.

Here’s a simple process to follow:

• Take several deep breaths.  Repeat to yourself: “With God’s assistance, I’m capable of solving every problem that comes my way with confidence.”
• Take time each day to be silent.  God is present in the silence of our mind and heart.
• Say some prayers.
• Talk to God. God is always listening.
• Listen to God. Trust your highest self.
• Have faith in yourself and your ability and in God.
• Trust that this problem can be solved.  Nothing is too big for God
• Reach out to supportive family members and friends.
• There is a new day ahead tomorrow and you get to control your thoughts and  decide how you will proceed going forward.
• Thought is the act of creation. Deliberately choose to create positive, constructive thoughts.
• Focus on the positive and remain grateful for all that you have.
• Keep in mind that “This too shall pass.”

Remember that staying positive is a choice made by staying present. There are answers to every problem that exists in your life and you are smart enough – with some assistance from the divine – to resolve each and every situation that you’re dealing with today.

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I am the product of a French-Canadian father and an Irish mother.  The faith that my parents brought to me impacted me more than my French or Irish heritage.

The faith that my parents brought into their marriage and shared with our family taught us how to be good people.  Their Christian faith taught us how to be loving to each other and to all people. It taught us how to be compassionate to the poor, elderly, disabled and each other.  It taught us how to respect people – especially our elders. It taught us the gift of prayer. In short, we were taught to love your neighbor, love yourself and love your God.

Like all gifts that we receive, each of us has to choose whether to open, nurture and develop the gift of faith or to ignore it. Like any skill that we wish to perfect, it takes daily practice.

Here is a cliff notes version of how my faith was nurtured from early childhood by my parents and how I built upon it once I was an adult. My faith was not developed because of an event like the sacraments of First Communion or Confirmation. It was developed because it was the result of a way of life within my family which happened to include the sacraments. My faith came to be the defining piece of who I am as a human. It’s infiltrated my mind, my body and my soul.

A very basic practice that was repeated 3 times per day was the ritual of saying prayer prior to each family meal.  “Bless us O Lord and these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord Amen”. This is still the prayer that we say prior to each meal within my family.  I think that prayer prior to eating (eating-my favorite part of the day!) helped make me grateful for food, family and so many things for which I’ve never lacked. Each and every time I say this prayer, I can still see my Dad (who passed away 13 years ago) sitting at the head of the table in the kitchen leading us in prayer.  I know that he was very thankful for his many blessings. Especially the blessings who were seated around that meal table.

At our home, it was never a question of whether or not we were going to church, it was only a question of which Mass we’d be attending each weekend.  Attending church for our family was as regular as eating, drinking or breathing. It’s what we did.  I can still see my father kneeling in church prior to Mass beginning with his head bowed in deep, reverent prayer.  I’m pretty certain that he was asking God for strength and guidance as he tried to keep our family together and on the “right track”. Now that I’m a father of two and husband (of one) and have my own company, I have a MUCH better idea of the prayers that he was saying!

Do you have to go to church to be a good person? No. Do you have to go to the gym to have a healthy body?  No.  Does daily and weekly repetition of all good habits lead to sustained health?  Yes.

My earliest recollection of going to church was with my Mother. She was always an “early riser” as I am.  She and I would go to 7:30AM Mass together and then sometimes go to “Gormley’s” -the luncheonette right across the street from the church – for creamy hot chocolate and very buttery, grilled english muffins.  I will always have the  wonderful memories of church with my Mom and our cherished diner breakfasts together – just the two of us!

My Mother spent her entire adult life in her kitchen although she occasionally left the kitchen to bathe or sleep.  She considered herself a valuable person when she was in the kitchen preparing food for the people she loved. She always had a very inexpensive, very poor quality radio on in the background keeping her company as she prepared breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner for her precious family. I can recall with great clarity the religious program that she’d listen to after dinner while doing the dishes when everyone else was watching television or reading the paper. A Catholic Mass would be on the radio. She was always working on improving her relationship with God and at becoming more Christ-like.

I understand that today. Back then, I thought that she was too religious. My parents were great role-models.

As soon as I was old enough to be an altar server, I was signed-up and on the altar proudly sporting my black and white cassock and surplice (robes).  Not only was I on the altar each weekend but, I was paid cash by brides and grooms to serve at their weddings. I especially cherished being asked to serve at funerals within our parish because I could get out of school classes for a couple of hours.  Serve God and get out of class. Life is good!

My first paying job was working at the rectory where the priests lived.  I had several responsibilities: answering the phone and door, counting the money from church collections and trying to decide what to do with the people who came to the church looking for money or food (or both!).  It was a big responsibility for a 14 year old boy. I learned that people sometimes reach out to God when their lives are going well but, are much more likely to do so when things aren’t going so well.

At that point, I committed to stay close to God at all times.

After my tour as an altar server, I began teaching religious education to 7th and 8th graders.  I had to learn the weekly lesson well-enough to understand why this material should be important to the 13 and 14-year old angels in my class. The process really caused me to question many things: why was I Catholic?, why do I have faith?, why was it so important for these young souls to develop and nurture their relationship with God?, why should faith be so important to them now and even more so in the future? Through the process of trying to get good enough to teach, I had convinced myself that I was on the right track with my relationship with God and my spiritual maturation process!

Somewhere around the time that I was teaching religious education (in my early twenties), I was asked to become a Eucharistic Minister.  Eucharistic ministers are the lay people who are allowed to distribute holy communion.  What a privilege and honor that was!  Prior to allowing Eucharistic Ministers to distribute communion, it was only the priests who were allowed to perform this special job. Now, I’m standing up in front of the congregation and distributing the “Body of Christ” to faith-filled individuals.  Wow!

Today, I am still a Eucharistic minister and have become a lector. Lectors read 2 readings (usually one from the old testament and a second from the new testament) and psalms during the mass.  In order to be able to properly own and proclaim the readings, I study them and rehearse them several times prior to each mass. I try to imagine myself knowing them well enough to be able to explain them without reading them or to proclaim a homily based upon the readings. Understanding the Word of God brings me closer to God and to each person in my life.

As I look back on the progression of my faith, I see that it was woven into everything we did. Our faith was a big part of our social community. Prayer was a part of our meals.  It was a part of the highs and the lows within our family – weddings, wakes and funerals. It was the real reason for each of the important holidays (Holy Days) within our family – Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Our faith is an important part of our marriage. My relationship with God has helped me with my marriage and continues doing so on a daily basis.

The concept of love your God, love your neighbor and love yourself became the foundation upon which I’ve been able to build my life. I know that when I accomplish each of those things on a daily basis, that day has gone very well! What a remarkably simple process to follow.

At this stage in my development, I’m at the point where this God-centered, love-focused thinking effects each of my thoughts, each of my words and each of my actions.  For me, it’s a great way to bring God into each and every aspect of my life by simply thinking “How would God respond?”, “What would God say?”, or “What would God do?” in each and every situation.

I now realize that the gift of faith is one that keeps on giving.  It is a gift that can be developed and nurtured on a daily basis.

Thanks Mom and Dad for the most important gift that I’ve ever received!