Beautiful, new and stylish clothing.
Dinners at impressive restaurants.
Newly sculpted, leaner, healthy body.
Multiple course, home-made meals.
Noticing everything positive about the person.
Smiling and hanging on every word the other person says.
Perfectly groomed, manicured and scented.
Sending gifts, text messages, flowers to show how thoughtful and kind we are.
Those are examples of things that people do when they’re dating or in a relatively new relationship. If you’re in a new relationship, many of those behaviors are probably very familiar to you – right? If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, I hope that you’re maintaining the I still love you enough to treat you like gold behaviors.
One of the men that I know was recently commenting to another friend about his recent 25-30 pound weight loss. He proudly said, I haven’t been this weight since I was in college (he’s in his forties now)! Why do I think that he decided to lose the weight now after 20+ years of maintaining extra insulation around his torso? He’s newly divorced and back among the dating.
When we’re trying to attract a new partner, we try to present ourselves as being better than we are when we’re just being ourselves. We seem to put on a show long enough to get what we want and then we slip-back into our old behaviors. In the case of my friend, his unhealthy, heavier body was good enough for himself, his wife and his kids but, it wasn’t good enough for the new person he has yet to attract.
What caused him to put the additional weight on over the course of the marriage?
Did his wife put on the additional weight too?
Was it only the weight-gain or were there other signs that people were being treated at lower levels of respect than when the relationship commenced?
One of the professions that many people dislike and find disingenuous is salesperson. I think that one of the reasons for the dislike is that stereotypical salespeople have the reputation of being smiley, pleasant, responsive and attentive when trying to bring on a new customer. Once the customer has been sold, many salespeople either disappear or drastically reduce the quality and quantity of support that was shown when the client was still a prospect.
Many salespeople treat their prospects better than they treat their customers.
Many humans treat people better during the courting/dating stages than they do once the relationship has matured into a committed state.
I wonder if we were bad judges of character when we originally got into the relationship that we’re in (or used to be in) or if one of us or both of us just got comfortable, satisfied and lazy?
I don’t think I’ll shave today.
These sweatpants look good with these flip flops.
Sure, I’ve put on a little weight but, ……….
Yes, I used to open the car door but, that’s when we were dating.
It’s a lot of work making the bed and we’re just going to use it again tonight.
Sure I’m critical but, have you seen the way she ….
Why do we often treat strangers more kindly than we treat the people we’re close to?
We all know the answer to that. When we’re in relationships, many of us become comfortable and settle-down into comfort zones. It’s almost as if we say, because I’m so comfortable with you and our relationship, I’ve let myself go and no longer go out of my way to treat you like the special person you are.
All of the results that we get in our relationships and entire life are a result of our thoughts. That’s really good news because that means that we can change at any time with the simple updating or changing of a thought.
We have the exact amount of creativity and energy to accomplish every single goal that we set.
(Please pick one)
Is your goal to maintain the quality of your relationship?
Is your goal to improve the quality of your relationship?
Is your goal to decrease the quality of your relationship?
I don’t believe that anyone intentionally wants to decrease the quality of a relationship. The best way to make sure that it doesn’t happen is to be intentional about what you do want.
In relationships and every aspect of your life, please ask yourself, what is my intent?
Yes, I’m asking you to be a very thoughtful person in regards to your relationships. We’re always thoughtful when we’re trying to impress. I think that many of us become thoughtless once we have what we want.
Energy and creativity shut-off once our goal has been accomplished.
What would be some of the thoughts or beliefs that we might hold if we wanted our relationships to maintain or improve-upon the quality they were when the relationship began? I’ll use the word partner as a substitute for : significant other, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc.
- I pay attention to my partner and listen intently because she’s the center of my life.
- I enjoy dressing neatly and nicely the way I did when we were dating.
- Because I respect myself and my partner, I maintain the same healthy body that I had when we met.
- I impress my partner with a multiple course, home-made candle-lit meal at least once per month.
- I take my partner on a date at least once per week.
- I pay attention to my partner’s positive traits and qualities and vocalize them with sincere appreciation.
- I leave hand-written love notes for my partner periodically to show that I’m still infatuated.
- I happily send text messages and e-mails periodically when I’m thinking about my partner while at work or on a business trip.
- I listen intently to each word she speaks and treat her as if she’s the most important person in the room.
The love, respect, kindness and civility that we show for our partners is the result of the crystal-clear thoughtful intentions and expectations that we hold in our mind.
Can you envision what your relationship would be like if you and your partner intentionally committed to treating each other like you were still dating – forever? Do you like the vision that you’re seeing in your mind? I do too.
I’m going to go and leave a hand-written note for my wife and leave it underneath the windshield wiper on her car like we used to do to each other when we were in college.
Dating is exciting – even after 25 years!
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Bob,
Great post, thanks. I see this everyday in my practice and in my personal life. It really is so easy to let all the little details slip and its in those details that we express our love and respect for each other. This is a great reminder for couples. Learning to live intentionally is not easy but the results are often fantastic.
Hi Esther,
Thanks for your professional feedback on the post. I’m sure that you see this situation way too frequently – and unnecessarily- in your practice. Intentional living with love and respect is the only way to go!
how about dealing with a spouse with a serious life threatening protracted illness? one that goes on for years..that is something that really tests love and commitment. i can say this from personal experience it is difficult…worse thing is that it is out of your control all you can to is be there…..
Hi Mike,
This is an area in which I have no personal experience. When I was writing, I was speaking of people who sometimes treat others with more dignity and respect than their own spouses (most often in relationships not having to deal with a life threatening protracted illness). Even in circumstances that most people would consider ideal, we frequently do not cherish and nurture them. I used to wonder about the challenges that are placed in front of each of us – financial, sickness, political, death, job loss, etc. – and question their value. I’m now realizing that many of these obstacles that I’m questioning at the time. end up shaping me and the direction of my life as if the were part of what I had to experience to become the person I was meant to be. The process of trying to understand the things that appear to be incomprehensible at the time is a part of my daily journey. I find myself praying, reading and meditating to try and understand those things in my life which are causing pain or frustration. I’ve missed your messages. I’m thankful your gift of challenging my thoughts! You’re excellent at allowing me to see things from different perspectives.
hey bob, been away skiing. heading out again end of next week for some heli-skiing in brittish columbia. talk about a spiritual experience. skiing in the pristine wilderness is amazingly beautiful. it is a privilege to be able to do it.
i tell people if they ever find themselves feeling sorry for themselves drop by the dana farber cancer institute…when we go for lynn’s check-ups (every there months)…i cant help but feel fortunate that i have my health…the hardest thing is seeing the children (jimmy fund clinic is there)…many obviously very sick…