Finding Answers in Parental Precedents

I make it a goal to learn new things every single day that will help me to improve as a human. I go into each and every conversation eagerly listening to the person to determine what it is that I can learn from this unique person with his or her unique perspectives.

I’m finding it hard to keep up with the lessons as I’m bombarded in almost every conversation with an ah-ha. Everyone has something to teach me.

A little over 20 years ago I got a new job for which I had zero prior experience – father. Because I was blessed to have my fantastic father, Oscar Felix Gregoire (another story for another day for those of you old enough to remember The Odd Couple), as a mentor for the first 35 years of my life, I used him as a model for my new, and most important, role.

When we find ourselves in over our head, we seek help.

My family was blessed to have a father who provided financially for our family. In those days, it was very common to have the mother stay at home and that’s exactly what my Mom did. Because my parents were products of the depression, they did not spend money frivolously. I learned that my Dad made enough money so that we were always well-fed (my childhood pictures show that I was perhaps too well fed!), well-dressed, sheltered and most importantly, loved. By example, I’ve tried to pass on these same gifts to my children. We learn from our parents.

My Dad loved music but, never stuck with his violin lessons long enough to play an instrument. Because of that lifelong regret, he made sure that each of his children learned how to play an instrument-whether they wanted to or not.  I’ve been playing the piano since I was 5 and progressed enough musically so that I was in a band while in college. My father took great pleasure watching his sons enjoy the gift of music in a way that he never could. I saw tears in his eyes as he watched my brother Bill sing and play in his band. He had tears in his eyes watching me too but, that was for another reason. Carolyn and I passed on the gift of music to our kids who both started taking piano lessons at the age of 5.  We learn from our parents.

Our family went to our Catholic church EVERY week and on holy days of obligation. I know that in many families it’s the Mom who is the more disciplined when it comes to matters of spirituality, God and faith. Our family had two parents who served as  strong spiritual mentors. My Dad never missed going to church.  It was not a chore that he did reluctantly. Sunday was my parent’s day to sleep-in (or that’s what I believed when I was young, innocent and naive!). After a good night’s sleep, prayer, exercise and bathing, my Dad would arrive at the breakfast table shining clean and smelling of after shave ravenous for a breakfast of bacon, eggs, juice, toast and coffee followed by church.  Life is good!  We learn from our parents.

He prayed each and every morning. I can see him jogging in place in his bedroom with his rosary beads in his hand jiggling up and down with each step. I could see his lips moving silently to the words of the Our Father. He never told me to say the rosary but, I saw him saying it and saw him going to church and figured that if these things contributed to this great man being who he is, then even though I don’t completely understand why, I’ll take his lead. Carolyn and I have been bringing our kids to church since they were born and are encouraging them to do so now that they’ve become young adults.  We learn from our parents.

Those were some of the great gifts that I learned from my Dad. How lucky was I??? I know with 100% confidence that he and my Mom always provided us with the best information that they knew and tried to pass-on the best habits that they knew – always by example.

When I graduated from high school and had to think about what was next in my life, I considered doing many things.  When I came up with the idea that I’d like to pursue medicine and become a doctor, my beautiful, all-knowing Dad talked me out of it for very good reasons (in his mind). Doctor’s don’t have a life of their own. They’re always on call. They’re forced to work long hours and can get interrupted at any time of the day, night or weekend. I don’t think that my father had completely envisioned future technological advances such as cell phones, pagers and Blackberry’s that would come to make every worker in almost every profession available to customers and employers every minute of every day.

My son, James, told us a couple of years ago that he’d like to become a doctor – most likely a psychologist. It’s not my job to tell him what his purpose is or is not. It’s his job to figure that out.  Carolyn and I are here for support and feedback if he wants it.  I needed to learn that from a new mentor. My initial parenting mentor – my Dad – wasn’t capable of teaching me that new quality.

Frequently, we need to seek new mentors because our existing mentors have taken us as far as they’re able.

Everyone wants what’s best for you – especially your parents. At some point in our lives, it’s you and I who have to determine what’s best for us – not our parents, not our bosses, not our teachers, not our friends. One of the problems we have is that there is too much noise to be able to hear ourselves think.  Because everyone seems to have advice for us and because there is always an electronic device attached to our eardrums – iPod, cell phone, Blackberry – many of us never get the luxury of any quiet time. Quiet time for what?

Quiet time allows us the following luxuries:

• Time to collect our thoughts about what is working in our lives.
• Time to collect our thoughts about the things that are not working.
• Time to listen to our souls speak to us and guide us toward our real passions and purpose.
• Time to allow our thoughts to slow down enough to listen to our most important mentor speak – God.
• Time to pay attention to our dreams. The dreams in our minds and the dreams that we experience during the night.
• Time to allow our souls to communicate with our Creator without any barriers or distractions.
• Time to decide what’s really important and what activities should be stopped or delegated.

Go into the chamber and shut the door behind you, and pray to your father who is in secret, the one who is innermost. But what is within them all is the fullness. Beyond it there is nothing inside. This is the place they call the uppermost. –Jesus

The answers that you seek are inside yourself.  The answers come to us when we’re silent enough to listen.

The experts advise us to surround ourselves with mentors who can lead, guide and advise us on our journey.  I agree with them.  I also believe that we have to know where we’re going in this lifetime and after this lifetime so that we can know whom to choose as mentors and where we’d like them to assist us in going.  Those answers have to come from you.

As Dave Matthews so smoothly sings to us, where are you going?

Allow yourself silent time on a daily basis to answer that question.

Once we figure that out, everything seems to magically fall into place.

Listen to yourself |  Listen to your soul |  Listen to God