One of my Facebook friends posted a comment from his young daughter this week which she made in response to the evening news on their television. She said, “Dada, how do we win a war?”   My friend’s comment (not to his daughter) in Facebook was, “I don’t know if anyone is going to win these.”

I spoke with another friend at a party recently who had a child in the military. I asked her how her son felt about the cause he was risking his life over. She said that he was taking orders from his superiors as all military personnel do, but no one that her son speaks with really knows what the end-result or objective is.

When you and I are at war with a family member or friend, it’s the result of conflicting beliefs.  You’re right and I’m wrong. You see the world or the issue as black and I see it as white. Neither of us is willing to admit that there are shades of grey which exist. The shades of gray contain the information upon which both parties can agree. We’re frequently unwilling to think, “Is it possible that the other person is at least partly correct?”

We perceive the world through the filter in our mind which is based upon our background, education, health, vocation, faith, political views and all of the other things which we’ve uniquely experienced.  When we like a person, we tend to see all the good that they do and filter out the things that aren’t so nice. It’s sometimes called overlooking. When we dislike someone, we filter out all of the good and only notice – perceive – the bad.  A good question to constantly ask ourselves is, “What am I missing?”

Our minds are incapable of holding two conflicting beliefs at the same time. It’s either lover or hate.

Although filters perform a valuable function – to screen out excess information which we don’t think  is of any personal value to us -  they don’t allow all of the information that is available in the universe on a particular topic to get past the security guard in our minds.  

Can you imagine being mad at someone that you really loved only to find out that you were basing your anger upon information that was incorrect?  Because you didn’t have all of the information, you stayed angry at a sibling, parent or friend for a month, year or forever!  It happens all of the time because our pride gets in the way of saying, “I apologize”, “I’m sorry”, “I forgive you” or “It’s possible that I”m not seeing the entire picture, will you please help me to see and understand what I’m missing?”

“I love you and I’d prefer that we stop fighting over whatever it is that we’re fighting over and get back to laughing, loving and living!”

So, how do we win a war with a friend or family member?  I don’t think that we do unless we’re able and willing to sit down with them and listen. While listening, it’s imperative that we try to stay non-emotional, non-judgmental and eagerly seek to understand why they feel the way that they do. Other people’s perceptions are valid just as yours are. When we truly seek to understand the feelings and perceptions of another, we tend to be more compassionate and are frequently able to help fill the void of information which was blocked out of our perception by our internal information filter.

At the same time, we can hopefully allow the other person to at least slightly open the blinders that are preventing all of the sunlight on the topic from enlightening their mind.

If we continue to throw verbal or written bombs at each other, both individuals are further wounded, tempers flare and neither party wins.  Both individuals are in pain and feeling incomplete and there are frequently innocent victims who are hurt as a result of the attacks. Innocent casualties are the result of a war that is fought because of a lack of complete information on both sides.

I think that the wars in our world are caused by the same misperceptions. Until both sides agree to stop fighting and start talking and listening, we continue flaming the fires of hatred until both sides are so angry we frequently forget why we were fighting in the first place.

“I know that I’m made at you, but I forget why!”

There’s a better way to live. We can deliberately choose to live knowing that each person on the planet has goodness in them.  We can spend our days searching for that goodness. When we’re open to the possibility that good exists in everyone, much of what we don’t like about them fades into the background.

We know that we all have way more in common with every human than the few beliefs which have the potential to separate us. Have you ever bought a home that had a couple of rotting boards or other minor defect?  Most of us will pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for a home that looks 98% good knowing that the few blemishes can be overlooked or repaired.

We’re capable of doing the same thing with people. It’s easy for us to overlook the blemishes that exists in another because we’re focusing on all of the beauty that exists.

All wars are won with our ears and hearts.  Both sides lose when we replace our ears and hearts with guns, grenades, fists and hatred.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”. -Mahatma Gandhi

 You are strong. You can see the light of love that exists in every human.

Don’t miss GregoireToday on Friday 7/30 at 1:30 pm ET / 10:30 am PT!

Dr. Alfred Nkut, M.D., is an accomplished physician, entrepreneur, and philanthropist with avid interest in leadership. His experience has shown him that self-improvement, especially development of character goals, is not emphasized in most formal educational systems. For this reason, he grew increasingly interested in studying, learning, growing, and researching to provide additional insight into the subject of leadership.

Dr. Nkut sees every day as an opportunity to add value not only to his own life, but to the lives of others as well. He has also founded the Skylimit Corporation to make a difference in the lives of people, and a financial institution in Cameroon, West Africa with the goal of poverty relief.

Leadership is not only an important quality at work, but also in life. Using Dr. Nkut’s dynamic model of influence as a lever to drive your performance from good to great, become the human dynamo you were meant to be. This book is for those who seek to become successful in all aspects of their lives, and shows how to best harness your potential for success.

Nkut will educate and inspire you, his life journey serving as an example of how to find success through integrity. Using real life cases and guiding principles, Dr. Nkut shows what people can learn about themselves by giving to others, why charitable giving is an essential part of being a successful person, and why the path to success includes faith, community and family.

In March of this year, I spoke with a friend of mine who owns his own personal training company about my physique (or lack of!) I was preparing for a filming session in L.A. at the beginning of May and asked him if he thought that he could help me improve my body composition in about 6 weeks.  Greg and his wife, Dreana, were standing together at the time and simultaneously answered the question within a nanosecond – YES!  I guess that they thought that I had a lot more potential to improve than I did.

That’s a great thing!  When others see potential in you that you can’t see in yourself, it can cause you to develop a new, better vision of yourself.

Once I got beyond the fact that I wasn’t at the level of health that I thought I was, I was really happy to hear the words of a professional.  He told me that I had the potential to put on muscle in less than six weeks.  My close friends have been calling me “stickman” for over 25 years because of my resemblance to the character on men’s rest room doors and my inability to put on muscle.  Greg thinks that he can change in six weeks what I’d been unable to do in the prior 25+ years of exercising. Thank you, Captain Confidence!

On March 25 I began my first session with Jess, Greg’s superstar 24-year old trainer. Jess and Greg are professionals who specialize in maximizing a person’s physical health potential. They customize workouts and eating routines for each client and modify the workouts based upon any physical limitations a client may have (like lack of muscle in my case.)

While working with Jess between 3/25/10 and 5/7/10, I didn’t change how often or how long I worked out.  She just changed the routine. Jess got me out of the very deep rut that I had dug for myself.  She added several new exercises to my routine while keeping each workout to 40 minutes.  When Jess did another assessment on 5/7/10, my body fat had decreased from 11.1 down to 9% and my lean weight (bone, muscle, blood, organs and connective tissue) had gone from 135.1 to 136.5 pounds. They had accomplished what they said could be done.  The had put some muscle on the Stickman!

All I had to do was have faith and follow the process.  It was like being in a Staples commercial – That was easy!

Once we accomplish a goal – any goal – the energy and creativity that are secreted by our brains shuts off. That’s why it’s critical to continuously set new goals so that we can keep our creativity and energy flowing. Jess and I set even loftier goals going forward.

Jess decided on 7/23 that it was time for my next assessment.  She kindly chose a day after I had been traveling and eating in restaurants and hotels for 8 of the last 12 days and after I had decreased the intensity  of my workouts because of my kidney stone surgery 14 days prior.

She handed me the results this morning. The body fat was reduced to 8.1% and the lean weight had increased to 138.8 pounds while the fat weight dropped from 16.9 pounds in May to 12.2 pounds on 7/23.

I was in the routine of working out 6 days a week prior to working with Greg and Jess. My problem is that my workouts were in a rut. I was doing the same things over and over again and my body was used to the routine, so I was not achieving my potential.

Believe in your ability to bring about and cause the changes that you desire in your life.

Work with a mentor who has successfully coached others to success and who believes in your potential.

Look for signs of where you might be in a rut in each and every aspect of your life – relationship with significant other, leisure habits, workout routine, work, etc.

Determine either by yourself, or by consulting with a professional, whether your have the potential to improve. If you’re at all like me, the answer will be a loud and fast YES!

My sixteen year old daughter is a cashier at our local supermarket.  She frequently works in the “12 items or less” lane and handles hundreds of customers per day. Many of the people in this lane pay with cash.

When I picked her up from work on Saturday, I asked her my usual question, “how was work today?”, to which I usually get a one word response or a grunt while she’s texting a friend.  On Saturday, she  smiled and told me about a couple of customer interactions.

She told me that one woman’s bill came to $20.02 and the woman gave her two twenty dollar bills.  Instead of giving the woman $19.98 change, Emily took two cents out of her  pants pocket and gave the woman her $20 bill back. The woman smiled and was grateful.

A man came in to purchase something for $5.00 who hadn’t anticipated paying the Massachusetts sales tax on this item.  He was 25 cents short and didn’t have any more money. My daughter reached into her pocket for the second time that day and put the quarter into the cashier’s drawer so that the man could leave with his item. He too smiled and was quite appreciative.

Twenty seven cents is not a lot of money in today’s world – even to a 16-year old girl. I am very pleased with her small acts of kindness that touched two human hearts in a positive fashion on the same day.  It doesn’t take very much to bring a smile and happiness to another person.

The better news is that a teenager taught herself one of the secrets to a happy and blessed life: giving feels just as good as receiving.

We don’t control how much we receive, but we do control how much we give.

Give generously of yourself with love and a smile.

After dropping my daughter off at work on Sunday afternoon, I was driving down our street approaching a right turn into our driveway.  I noticed a middle-aged shirtless man in cut-off jean shorts bending over in the street in front of our home.  I pulled into my driveway and got out of the car and asked him, “Are you okay?”  He said that he was just tired from walking about 2 miles in the 90+ degree weather after leaving the famous Lowell Folk Festival.

My follow-up question was, “Can I help you with anything?”  He said that he was trying to get to the highway (about 5 miles away) so that he could hitch a ride home (about 30 miles away).  I told him that I’d happily give him a ride to the highway.

As he approached my relatively new car that still smells factory fresh, I noticed his sweaty upper-body and wondered if he was planning to put on the t-shirt that was tucked into his back pocket. I didn’t say anything to him and he chose to get into the car without putting on his t-shirt. I don’t like it when I have small, petty thoughts.

As I pulled out of the driveway and headed toward the highway, I noticed a star tattoo on his left cheekbone and faintly smelled alcohol.  Without my prompting, he shared that he was a musician and had spent the prior day at the Folk Festival  and drank a little too much, so he stayed at his friend’s house over night. He went on to say that he’s not a heavy drinker and had consumed a little more than he should have.

He was very frustrated because hundreds of cars had passed him on the road and no one had offered to give him a ride.  I shared with him that I thought that most of us are afraid. We lock our cars, We have security systems in our homes. We don’t look strangers in the eyes. We teach our kids not to talk to strangers. We like our walls and fences.

As he was speaking, Jesus’ parable of the Good Samaritan came to mind. After sharing the parable Jesus asks the Jewish scholar, “Which of these three, in your opinion, was neighbor to the robbers’ victim?”, the scholar responds with, “The one who treated him with mercy.”

Who is our neighbor?  Who would we like to be our neighbor when we need help?

To whom should we show mercy?  Who would we like to show us mercy when we need assistance?

Should we be afraid to show mercy and do what’s right?  No. Have faith that it’s always best to do what’s right.

Be not afraid to love.

Don’t miss GregoireToday on Friday 7/23 at 1:30 pm ET / 10:30 am PT!

Dr. Sheila H. Forman is both a licensed clinical psychologist (PSY 15265) and licensed attorney (123074) having earned degrees from The Johns Hopkins University, Boston University School of Law, and the California Graduate Institute School for Psychology and Psychoanalysis. She is a former Assistant Professor of Law and Ethics and currently teaches forensic and general psychology at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles.

Dr. Forman has created a thorough and easy to follow 15-week program to help you let go of emotional eating. Week by week, Dr. Forman takes you through the steps necessary to understand the relationship between your emotions and food. By the end of the program you will have a plan for dealing with your emotions without turning to food to cope.

I went through my usual Saturday morning ritual of paying bills and going to the bank and spoke with my dear friend Dreana who called to check-in on my recovery. I told her I was doing great and that Carolyn and I would love to have dinner with she and Greg  that evening. Carolyn and I then went to our favorite vegetarian restaurant for lunch -  Life Alive – as we do each and every Saturday.  Ahhhh, finally my life is completely back to normal.  Or so I thought.

After lunch, Carolyn and I went back home where I learned about one of the side effects of Oxycodone- constipation.  This was another first for me. I’ve been on the planet for 48.5 years and had never experienced this problem before.  The prior day I had the painful choice of To Pee or Not to Pee.  Today, I learned the second verse to the song -To Poo or Not to Poo. Dreana called to confirm dinner during this painful episode.  Funny, but I was not in the mood for eating. We postponed our dinner with friends to another day. On that day I learned to appreciate another one of life’s simple pleasures that I always take for granted.  Prayer played a significant role during that process too.

On Sunday morning, less than 48 hours after surgery I was back at the gym and on an elliptical machine.  It felt great to exercise after being idle for two days, even if I was only working out at about 70%-80% of my normal level. Routines – when they’re healthy routines that contribute to the happiness of yourself and others – are wonderful!

On Monday, I jumped on a plane and headed to San Jose feeling great. I knew that heading into the surgery at a very high level of health would allow me to recover very quickly and get on with life.

Upon my return from San Jose, I’ll meet with the urologist to determine how I’m going to deal with the remaining kidney stones and how to prevent future stones from forming- if that’s even possible. I have a strong feeling that there will be modifications coming to my already very clean diet.

We can and should try to do everything to the best of our capabilities to prevent disease – regular exercise, healthy eating, proper amounts of rest – but even then there are no guarantees. Once we identify a problem, we can maintain the activities and habits that are serving us, eliminate the ones that are causing problems and replace them with new habits.

Change is constant.  We’re constantly making modifications that will bring us closer to our ideal. Our goal is to maintain a healthy body, a positive mind and a peaceful, loving soul. Every day is an opportunity for us to make progress in all three areas.

If I didn’t know it well enough before, this episode has reinforced my desire to cherish today, love to the best of my capabilities today and be grateful for each of life’s simple pleasures.

The next thing I knew, David, the orderly, came into our room with a rolling bed and asked me to jump-on so that we could head to the operating room. Showtime! Outside the operating room, I had fun with the anesthesiologist who was surprised at several of his observations: 1) the fact that I wasn’t on any medication, 2) my exceptionally low blood pressure and 3) that I had never had any prior surgery.  The medical community is not used to dealing with proactive people who are in relatively good health.

While waiting to go in for the surgery after speaking with the operating room nurse, I had another opportunity for prayer.  I’ve learned to pray for God’s will instead of my will or my desires.  I now know that each thing that occurs in my life will somehow bring me closer to God – even if it’s painful.  My prayers are always answered even if I don’t like the answer.

My body must have taken very well to the anesthesia because the last thing that I remember is being rolled into the operating room.  I never saw my surgeon in the operating room. I don’t remember counting backwards from 100. I have zero recollection. The next thing that I remember is waking up in the recovery room feeling unbelievably happy. Was it the medication or the joy of being conscious and back in this world again? It think that is was a little of both, but mostly the latter.

My sense of joy was tempered by the fact that I had an overwhelming desire to urinate. So much for being in that state of bliss for very long.  I asked the nurse if she could take me to a bathroom.  She responded by saying  that she had a few things to do and that she would wheel me back up to my room as soon as she finished. That sounded to me like I might have a little wait on my hands – or lower.  Could I wait?  Once I arrived in my room, I was greeted by my wife who looked relaxed and beautiful as she sat reading a magazine. I think that she really enjoyed 3/4 of a day of uninterrupted silence at home without her loud husband coming into the kitchen every couple of hours for hugs, kisses or conversation.  After a very quick “hello” to my wife, I asked the nurse if I could please visit the bathroom.

What I had anticipated as being a moment of tremendous relief turned out to be a time of equally tremendous pain. In order to remove the kidney stone from the bladder, the surgeon goes in and removes it without making an incision.  That’s my best clinical language for saying that they go in through the penis when operating on a male (sorry to share that disgustingly graphic factoid!) The pain and burning associated with trying to urinate was now balanced by the tremendous urge to purge.  To Pee or Not to Pee, became the question of the moment.  Which is the lesser of the two pains?

After that awful experience in the bathroom, I got dressed and went back out with my wife while waiting to be discharged from the day-surgery.  While sitting there, the pain in my back and abdomen (similar to the kidney stone pain) came on in full force.  The nurse then mentioned that I could have an Oxycodone (for the pain) and that I could pick up  some pills if I was experiencing any burning sensation while urinating. I knew for the first time in my life what real pain felt like and  how much I desired both of those medications. The nurse gave me one Oxycodone at the hospital which seemed to do nothing to alleviate the pain and I impatiently waited alone at home while my wife went to conduct  the drug deal at the pharmacy.

The second Oxycodone significantly helped with the pain and I finally felt well enough to eat and drink for the first time after 20 hours of fasting at about 8PM.  I really like eating!

Talk about life’s simple pleasures.  I was ecstatic to be sitting at our kitchen counter eating two of my son’s frozen Eggo waffles with fresh blueberries and for the ability to be able to go to the bathroom with a little less pain. Thank you drugs. Thank you Carolyn. Thank you God!

After a great night’s rest, I was up at the crack of dawn thankful to be back into the old routine – meditation, reading of scripture, affirmations and breakfast- and off of the Oxycodone!!!!!  I even thought about going to the gym, but the nurse asked me to wait until Sunday. Life is good!

More to come!

The following day at about 10AM, I received a call on my cell phone from the urologist stating that I had a large kidney stone in my bladder that needed to be removed quickly and several smaller ones in my left kidney.  It was Thursday  morning and I was jumping on another plane on Monday afternoon for a speaking engagement in San Jose.  I could either have the surgery on Friday and risk not recovering well enough for my flight on Monday or put-off the surgery for a few weeks and hope that I didn’t have any more mobile rolling stones while traveling for the next two weeks. Isn’t there a third option?

I made the decision while on the phone with the urologist to have the large stone removed the following morning at 11:30AM. Although the doctor wanted me to have the surgery, he was very concerned about my ability to be ready to fly 74 hours after surgery.  I was counting on the fact that my healthy body and mind would allow me to recover much quicker than the patients that he was accustomed to treating.  I was hoping and praying that the years of daily exercise, clean eating, positive thinking and a lifetime of faith would pay dividends at this time.

Going in for surgery is a religious experience for at least two reasons: The first reason is that you have to fast (no food, no water, no nothing!) from midnight the night before the surgery and the second is that times of sickness or fear cause us to reach out to God for help.  When things in our lives are going well, we may not always spend a lot of time in prayer, thanks or conversation with God.  When sickness, or loss-of-job or some other catastrophe causes us to slow down, we somehow end up filling some of  that time with prayer.

I had planned on a little reading and some additional prayer during the two-hour span between my arrival at the hospital and the surgery.  I ended-up sharing a room with a wonderful man named Bill who was having surgery that morning to make sure that his cancer surgery two months prior had removed all of the cancerous cells.  Bill wanted to talk.  I’m glad that he did.  Usually when our plans are altered by an outside influence, the new event is much better for our souls than the originally planned activity.

More to come!

While my wife and 3 of our friends were trying to make dessert selections at a restaurant while celebrating my wife’s birthday on May 1st, I quietly squirmed in my chair in pain.  The pain in my lower left back came on quickly and intensified to the point that I excused myself from the table and went outside.  Stretching didn’t help. Standing up didn’t help. Fresh air didn’t help. Help!

Was it the worst case of stomach gas ever?

After leaving the restaurant, my wife gave me a Tylenol as I fidgeted in the passenger’s seat on the drive home while unsuccessfully trying to find a comfortable position.  The Tylenol seemed to help as I was pretty much out of pain by bedtime. I wonder what I ate that caused that to happen?

On May 17th while flying home from London on an eight-hour flight, it happened again. This time I was on a packed plane sitting in coach with very little room to roam, stretch or lay down. After somehow making my way through the long flight, I was very happy to get into my car at the airport knowing that I’d finally be home in 35 minutes.  I got onto route 93 heading north on what should’ve been an empty highway and saw nothing but red lights – night time construction! There was not supposed to be traffic at this time of the night – it was 8PM! For the next 75 minutes, I tried to find a sitting position that would allow me to safely drive in the stop-and-go traffic and manage the excruciating pain. As soon as I got home and Carolyn saw me on the couch rolling around, she brought  me some Tylenol. This time the Tylenol didn’t help at all and I stayed in pain for about 18 hours. Was it something I ate again?

Because I had only experienced the pain twice and had not had any symptoms in over a month, I hesitated to mention the symptoms to my doctor during my annual physical on June 21st. Carolyn had reminded me to bring it up and I didn’t want to go home and have to face her and tell her that I didn’t ask the doctor about it. So, I brought it up during the physical in an oh, by the way fashion. Just to be safe, my always thorough and cautious doctor scheduled an ultrasound of my left kidney for the following week.

I knew it wasn’t great news when the person who conducted the ultrasound at the hospital asked me to wait in the room while she phoned my doctor. Over the next 8 hours, I went from the hospital, back to my doctor, off to the urologist and then back to the hospital for a CAT scan.  They could tell from the ultrasound that I had dark spots in the kidney that didn’t belong there, but the urologist needed the Nuclear CAT scan to tell him exactly what he was dealing with. I was less-than-thrilled to have radiation injected into my bloodstream.

Eat organic food. Exercise daily. Drink spring water. Inject body with radiation. Which one of these doesn’t belong?

More to come!